B-MOVIE BLOCKBUSTERS: CREEPOZOIDS
BACK OF THE VHS BLURB:
A group of military deserters in a nuclear wasteland future go into a random warehouse to avoid acid rain, and find themselves in a secret government place. After fooling around in the shower and foraging for food, they stumble upon the strange experiments going on that change your eye color and make you puke black goo. They find themselves under attack and able to crack the government computer codes with basic computing skills. Eventually the survivors run into the Creepozoid, the insect/alien/human hybrid and its creepy as fuck monster baby.
So...WTF did I just watch?
MOVIE: Creepozoids
YEAR: 1987
DIRECTOR: David DeCoteau
CAST: Linnea Quigley, Ken Abraham, Michael Aranda, Richard L. Hawkins, and Ashlyn Gere
B-MOVIE HIGHLIGHTS:
Okay, so let’s get into whatever the hell is going on in this one. First I want you to look at the poster that pops up for this movie. This is a solid exaggeration yet somehow accurate depiction of what goes on in this movie. We start with a woman working in a lab, and hearing noises outside of her door. After asking who is there, she opens the door to our first image of the Creepozoid, a giant bug like rubber suit man. After that little intro, we get another intro that states the world has been at nuclear war and most of the land is a blackened wasteland as war rages on. We follow a band of deserters who have left some military outfit and set off in the desolate world on their own. They wander through an empty city, which seems to have avoided being on of the "blackened wasteland" portions of the land as it just seems like an empty city. The group wanders about and then spot some acid rain clouds on the horizon. I guess it only rains acid rain due to the nuclear warfare, and can even rain from a small cloud formation on a sunny day. They manage to break into a warehouse and avoid death in the rain.
The group decides to check out the warehouse, which has the lab from the first intro. Coincidence? I think not! The characters weren't really engaging me enough so I had to look up their character names so we can keep everything in check here. So we got Butch (Ken Abraham) and Bianca (Linnea Quigley) who run off once getting inside to go find a shower and have some sexy time. Jake (from Creepozoids, not State Farm) is the apparent leader of the group and wanders around with his laser pistol out and tries really hard to act but I'm not sure he ever actually does. Kate (Ashlyn Gere) also follows Jake around, as she has romantic feelings for him. Don't bother worrying about these pseudo-romances though, we got Creepozoids to get to.
Eventually the nerd of the group, the glasses wearing scrawny computer geek Jesse (Michael Aranda), finds a computer and with really no trouble accesses the computer. They find out it was a government facility that was working with amino acids to fix the food issue so people could eat more shit in the radiated world or something ridiculous like that. Basically we need a reason for a lab to be making monsters in a "blackened wasteland", so that's what we get. So as time goes on and the acid rain is still falling, Jesse finds a vent passage under the computer that leads to a lair of sorts, and that's when people start getting fucked up. Jesse seemingly gets eaten, but he finds his way back to the group. Yeah, I don't really know how, but he does. So later at a dinner of old canned food, Jesse has a terrible reaction where his eyes go yellow and he spits out black goo. Looking like a half-ass Deadite, he goes full spaz mode and then dies.
The crew is tripped out over his death, and go to figure out what the hell happened. After attacks by mutated rats start also happening, the group figures something is up. This group of deserters is like a boot camp dropout version of Scooby and the gang, but they all leave you with a Scrappy Doo aftertaste. They begin to pile bad decision upon bad decision, and Jake and Butch go to the Creepozoid's lair. By the way, it's never referred to as a Creepozoid. But it's a fun word to write, so I'll keep it going. Butch is attacked, and gets some black goo sprayed on him. The group eventually gets Butch back to the medical area, but his face melts under the black goo and he transforms a bit as well before he gets put out of his misery. This was one of the best sequences really.
Jake decides it's time to go get this monster and finish the business. Meanwhile, Kate and Bianca hid in a room and are being attacked by the monster super rats. Kate gets bit, and eventually becomes a zombie, I think. I'm not sure if it's like a zombie virus, or an acid, or what is going around the warehouse. Some people change, some people melt, it's all over the place. But we end up with just Bianca and Jake, as Jake's first attempt ended up with him getting beat up by the Creepozoid but with no real consequence.
Jake (still not from State Farm) and Bianca head out to finish the job, but it doesn't go well. These deserters might have actually helped what outfit they left due to their ineptitude. After heading into the Creepozoids lair, Bianca bites the dust as the Creepozoid eats her face off-screen. Another decent sequence, but the end one here, well this is really where this movie goes to another level.
Jake has a final battle with the Creepozoid, which is mainly the Creepozoid beating the shit out of Jake and constantly throwing him around a supply room. The fight feels like a bad community college stage production at points, which only adds to the level of WTF has happened up to this stage of the film. Finally, Jake finds some needles full of something useful I guess. Where does he find them? In a box on the shelf. Like just sitting there. Anyone at anytime could have just gone to the anti-Creepozoid box but no, it had to run amuck and kill a whole facility of people.
Anyways, the Creepozoid "dies". Why the quotations? Because as Jake sits back and pants heavily after his bout with the monster, he doesn't notice the Creepozoid enter one more change. A weird half baby half Creepozoid thing pops out of its head. Looking like some It's Alive alien hybrid, the baby crawls to Jake and the battle begins again, but this time, the hilarity is unbelievable. Jake literally is throwing an alien baby all over this supply room, up into the lighting, and to no avail, as the creepy puppetry baby keeps attacking Jake. Finally, in one of the best scenes I may have ever watched, Jake strangles the alien hybrid baby WITH ITS OWN FUCKING UMBILICAL CORD! This scene goes on for a good amount of time, as the alien baby slowly is strangled. What. The. Hell. Jake finds his whole team dead and then leaves. Then we get the last jump scare of the baby waking up, showing it really didn't die.
This movie was a mess from the start, but every weird and disjointed moment kept me wanting more. The ending alone is worth the watch, as it goes from awful to hysterical and beyond. This is a true B-MOVIE BLOCKBUSTER.
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