Velocipastor - The Best Rom-Com Of All Time....just go with it...
I love absurdist horror movies, especially my runner-up for best horror movie of the year Velocipastor. It’s one of those films that you just can’t wait to tell your mild mannered friends about, like: “Hey Bud, what did you do over the weekend?”
“Watched Velocipastor…”
Veloci-what exactly?
“Velocipastor. It’s about a pastor who gets scratched by a dinosaur claw while he’s in China that transforms him into a bloodthirsty dinosaur who eats bad guys and he teams with his girlfriend, a hooker-doctor-lawyer to take down a Chinese gang who wants to hook people on cocaine in order to convert them to Christianity.”
“Uhm, yeah...ok. Have fun with that.”
It’s so fun to watch ‘em squirm. But not as fun as this movie was to watch!
You might see the title, read the long absurd run on of an overview and think, “Ooof, this thing is going to be a mess” and that is EXACTLY what I was thinking. I went in thinking what the heck, I’ll give it a shot, how bad can it be right? I was shocked to find out the complete and absolute opposite was true. Not only was this not a bad movie, it was an exceptionally good movie with great acting and a fantastic story. In fact, this is probably the best rom-coms of all time.
Sure, the film opens with the Doug the priest’s parents dying in an exploding car, which you don't see because they didn't have the budget so they just cut to a scene that says “Burning car VFX” and sure their death sent him to China to confront his faith where he gets scratched by the dinosaur claw but what comes next is the most important part of the Rom-Com, the “Meet Cute”.
For those not in the know, the “Meet Cute” is the charming part of the Rom-Com where the two characters who fall in love meet in some cute but awkward way. In Scott Pilgrim vs The World the meet-cute was when Scott met Ramona Flowers at a party and tried, miserably, to spit out his cheap Pacman pick up line. This formula has been used over and over in romantic films from 101 Dalmatians to 13 Going on 30 and Velocipastor is no different. One night Doug begins to get the hunger that transforms him in a dinosaur, meanwhile on the other side of town Carol is sent to the park by her pimp Johnny Mermaid to make him money. While in the park late at night a man jumps from the shadows and tries to rob her but he is devoured by Doug as a giant dinosaur, with full decapitation (which is just a mannequin head with a hat on).
The next morning he wakes up in her bed, naked. As a priest, his #1 concern is that he broke his vow of celibacy, but she’s concerned about him transforming into a dinosaur. After some charming and cute dialogue where they talk past each other about the events of the previous night, they decide to retrace their steps. Of course Doug can’t go naked, so he asks Carol for something to wear and apparently all she had that fit him was a very tight, short orange dress. Meet-Cute Success!
Now you would think that the main focal point of a movie about a guy transforming into a bloodthirsty dinosaur and eating people would be the main focus of the movie, but instead the main focus is the budding relationship between Doug and Carol with full pop punk montage! He teaches her about the bible, she teaches him about dinosaurs and the two set out to find a cure for Doug’s ailment while the whole time inching closer and closer until finally, he puts his arm around her and she blushes.
Meanwhile, we are shown a group of ninjas who are planning to flood the world with high grade cocaine and then remove the cocaine from the market forcing the addicts to look to God for help. A bizarre way to send people to the church, but okay. Also, we have Doug visiting a tarot card reader in order to get an exorcism because the church cannot help in this situation. Again, a bizarre thing to do but who cares, this movie isn't about all that. It’s about love!
While this other story stuff is going on, Doug and Carol begin growing their relationship even more. With Carol no longer under the thumb of Johnny Mermaid after Doug killed him and Doug giving up his bible study in favor of spending time with Carol, their love can really flourish. The whole thing culminates with another pop punk themed montage of their cutest moments that culminates in a passionate sex scene that would make Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger jealous. With the culmination of their relationship out of the way, we can get back to the things that don't matter so much in this movie, the whole dinosaur schtick.
The morning after their sex scene while Doug and Carol are laying in bed, ninjas climb through the window and they have a kung fu fight in their underwear. They then head to the ninja encampment for the final showdown. There are some sweet Kung-Fu moves by both Doug and Carol, one of the ninjas is revealed to be Doug’s brother, Carol gets samurai chopped, blah blah blah, Doug transforms into a gloriously bad paper mache dinosaur, good guys win. Yay! Luckily Carol survives, and she sets off into the sunset with Doug, deeply and madly in love.
For a movie about a pastor who transforms into a velociraptor, or something, it’s not about that at all. What this movie really is about is the love between two people. Two people from different walks of life that are misunderstood. One, a priest who is questioning his faith and the other a hooker-doctor-lawyer who is trying to change her life for the better by focusing on the latter as opposed to the former. While it may not be a pure horror film, it excels as one of the better rom-coms in recent memory and for that reason it’s my runner up for best horror film of 2019. 5 out of 5. 10 out of 10. Check it out now.
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