B-MOVIE BLOCKBUSTERS NEON MANIACS
BACK OF THE VHS BLURB:
After a vicious attack and a teenage sex party at the park, we are introduced to a bunch of maniacs but not really any neon at all. The maniacs continue to pursue the sole survivor of their first attack, and they will get her no matter what. Even if it means having to stage a brutal assault on the high school battle of the bands. With the battle lines drawn, the students arm themselves with squirt guns and hoses, because this war has only just begun.
So...WTF did I just watch?
MOVIE: Neon Maniacs (aka Evil Dead Warriors)
YEAR: 1986
DIRECTOR: Joseph Mangine
CAST: Leilani Sarelle, Alan Hayes, Donna Locke, and Victor Brandt
B-MOVIE HIGHLIGHTS:
Okay this one is great. Start to finish absolute winner. Let's start with before I watched this movie, I checked out the trailer on the internet. There are twelve, yeah, TWELVE maniacs in this film, and they all have names that are never used in the film. So, check out this roster, Axe, Hangman, Doc, Biker, Slash, Juice, Samurai, Mohawk, Archer, Soldier, Scavenger, Decapitator. Yeah, and can you guess what each one is or does to kill people? Well, Juice is like an electricity based psycho, not like a fruit killer or something, but the other ones are pretty simple. These names? Not used at all in the film by anyone. The maniacs don't speak and no one knows who or what the fuck they are. This film in essence shows a story without telling you why at the start, middle, or end anything is happening in it. Gold.
So, lets start. In San Francisco, some high school teens are setting off for your average teen sex party at a park. As they get there and all spill out of their mystery machine, I mean van, no time to waste as the couples spread out in the empty moonlit park to find a good place to bump and grind. As it gets a little hot in the park, some others have come, but no, not to fuck. To kill! As the teens have spread out to not hear each other’s moans and such, the maniacs have also arrived. Not neon at all, in any way, but looking more like The Hills Have Eyes gang cosplaying as different generic jobs or historic characters, they start killing, each using their special kill maneuver. Hangman? Well, he hangs people. Mohawk, he's a Indian who uses a tomahawk. Samurai, he's a fucking samurai. Doc, he's a bloody surgeon using a scalpel. So committed to the costume man, its great.
So, the whole teen sex party gets mauled. Some pretty brutal kills. People get hung, legs get snapped, crossbows are shot, its a fun time in San Fran. We end up with Natalie (Leilani Sarelle), who didn't have a sex partner on this evening, hiding in the van as shit goes down. Eventually all the (not) neon maniacs come her way, and start trying to tip the van rather than like…open the door. A strike of lightning and a rumble of thunder come to save her, and the maniacs retreat, fearing the angry sky.
In the aftermath, the bodies of her dead friends have disappeared, only leaving a slimy substance. Police find Natalie's story far-fetched but let her go. When she gets back to school, everyone there doesn't believe her and start getting in her face about their missing brothers, sisters and friends. Bunch of assholes really, but as one confrontation gets loud in the lunchroom, good old Steven (Alan Hayes) comes to her aid. He also has a thing for her, so he's looking to score some points, too. Ah, high school, when to get a girl to notice you, you got to help her as she's hounded by her peers about the deaths of their loved ones. Good times.
Natalie gets set on a home study to stop her getting harassed. She hangs out in her pool, having nightmares of it raining blood. Kind of out of nowhere, but it’s a pretty cool scene. And look who is delivering her groceries, it's fucking Steven. Ah shit, he's getting laid by the end of this film. As Steven and Natalie start hitting it off, a young film student, Paula Petersen (Donna Locke), has been investigating the park killings on her own, not buying it that the police don't know shit. Well she finds the goo, tracks the goo, and films the maniacs as they come out again at night. She retreats before the maniacs go find some cops patrolling the park again and give them some more cosplay death.
Meanwhile, Steven and Natalie go on a date, but I guess their car broke down so maybe Steven isn't getting laid. Then, while taking the train home, the maniacs have found them and there is a pretty good sequence on the train. Juice has apparently taken over the train and Samurai and Mohawk are in pursuit. After getting off the train, the pursuit continues by bus. Public transit chases aside, Steven and Natalie escape and are eventually approached by Paula, who had been attacked by Slash due to her filming them. she had a squirt gun of holy water ready (because why the fuck not) and as she shoots Slash we find out that water melts these fuckers to a bloody pulp.
Steven, Natalie, and Paula decide to set a trap at the high school battle of the bands. Steven, of course, is playing in a pop rock band called The Outlaws against the hair metal rockers of Jaded. They give everyone in attendance squirt guns. No shit. THE TRAP IS TO LURE THE MANIACS TO THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS AND SHOOT THEM WITH SQUIRT GUNS. The ‘80s…where fucking anything could be possible really. So, well, this happens. The maniacs attack after a really long music sequence, like the literal battle of the bands happens. It’s almost over by the time we get the maniacs. Hoses and squirt guns ready, the attack begins. Most of the maniacs and quite a few students get obliterated in another absurd yet fun part. Finally, the police maybe kind of sort of will possibly look into what Natalie has been saying the whole fucking film.
We hit the end here, as the high school trio and the police go to the Golden Gate bridge, where the maniacs have been apparently coming from. After scouring the area and building and finding well, nothing, the police send Natalie, Paula, and Steven home. The sergeant on the case takes one more look, and sure enough, in an old car, there is a maniac, and what I assume is some portal where all the neon that isn't in the film must be, and the officer is pulled in. The End. THE END? THE FUCK? WHERE DO THE MANIACS COME FROM? WHO WON BATTLE OF THE BANDS? WHAT JUST HAPPENED? There is no answer to these questions. The mystery of it actually is kind of cool because its rare to see a film literally explain nothing of what's going on, but still be as fun as this one was. Great gore, good cosplay and so much ‘80s nostalgia it hurts. A true B-MOVIE BLOCKBUSTER.
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