A succubus, an STDemon, and a vagina dentata girl walk onto your screen...
It’s the month of love and whether you’re preparing for a Valentine’s Day date, or just enjoying some solo movie watching with your pets, do I have a lineup for you. This triple feature might not be one that stirs your loins, but it’ll make you cross your legs & drop your jaw. This Valentine list will let you enjoy some terrifyingly unsafe sex on your special night, and no condom alive is strong enough to prevent the dangers these movies have in store for you. So, for the horror fans that are bigger fans of the Netflix part of ‘Netflix & Chill’ here is a lineup that I think you will appreciate.
To start off your night, I think you need to go a little lighthearted and dip into a movie that is both spooky and playful. One that teases you a little with some good old teenage angst characters, and gives you a lovely gory bit of demonic slaughter. The movie that I am starting you off with is the film Jennifer’s Body from 2009, starring Megan Fox & Amanda Seyfried. Before you immediately write it off, which unfortunately is something this film has suffered from, please remember that every movie isn’t exactly as the trailers present it. This movie was one that I feel like really suffered in its original release from a marketing campaign that sold the movie the studio wanted, not the movie we had. Many people may remember trailers and articles that focus heavily on the ‘sexual tension’ that lingers between Needy (Seyfried) & Jennifer (Fox). Jennifer’s Body is so much more than sex, and honestly the sexual content isn’t really an itch you’d want to scratch once you find out how it climaxes. Watch what happens to a young woman who was a non-virginal, virgin sacrifice for a band’s satanic request for fame.
Jennifer’s Body has all the right vibes for a great night in on Valentine’s Day, regardless of your relationship status. The co-dependent nature of the friendship between Needy & Jennifer is actually one that you could probably relate to if you think back to your younger years. That high school need to please your friend, especially if you think that your friend is ‘too cool’ or ‘too hot’ to be hanging around you in the first place. There’s a lot of amazing and witty dialogue, but the characters themselves feel like people you could really know. The script gave us content between the gore that we can appreciate, and that we can genuinely enjoy watching instead of just waiting for the next scary sequence. We go very smoothly between those scary and unsettling ‘praying mantis’ style kill scenes, and the relaxed social scenes that make you laugh and feel almost like you’re watching a coming-of-age type teen feature. I also guarantee that you will stare at the screen, at least twice, wondering how nobody else realizes what absolute douchebags the satanic band members are. Ultimately the movie is a fun start to the night, and will properly kick off the mood. Cause who doesn’t love a stunning female lead that can unhinge her jaw mid-boner touch to eat your flesh.
Now, after a viewing like that you might need a bit of a break from the bloodshed and gore, if only for a single film. Creating a horror film with a slow burn, and minimal gore or action sequences can be a very difficult endeavor. However, if there is a movie that does it well it’s my next suggestion, 2014’s It Follows. You may recall this film, and if you don’t then I am even happier to suggest it to you. The movie only has about 2 or 3 scenes where you really see anything gore level scary, but the film really doesn’t require it to keep up its pacing. As if unprotected sex wasn’t a risky business already, apparently this movie wants you to also be concerned about sexually transmitted demonic hauntings. Although, we technically aren’t given a verification on exactly what the entity is that is chasing our main character. Regardless, I think we need to talk to Trojan about expanding the uses of those rubbers, because the packaging mentioned nothing about this.
Slow burn films have a very special vibe in my opinion, and I think after such an intense film like Jennifer’s Body, the slow burn is kind of necessary. The film has original music that does an excellent job of setting the tone of the scenes, and really helps to heighten the anxiety of watching the entity slowly make its way towards the main character. From the very start of the film too we’re presented the horrible anxiety of the unknown as we watch a young woman run from an unseen evil, and eventually are presented with her death. This is the first ten minutes of the movie, and from there we’re left wondering what happened and who it’s going to happen to next. It Follows presents us repeatedly with scenarios where honestly the scariest thing happening is just something creepy, and often nude, is walking after our lead character with a menacingly slow pace. When you describe it on paper it almost sounds like it would be ridiculous, and anti-climactic. While you’re watching it though the film delivers entirely on its scares, and you find yourself in a constant anxious state wondering when the creature will catch up. Believe me, when it does, it is very much worth the slow burn anxiety.
Your final movie is one to be watched with caution. The movie is graphic, and is not afraid to show the bloodshed that its bite can spread. I’m talking about Teeth, a classic body-horror, coming-of-age tale of a young woman who has been given a gift. Possibly a curse. A little bit of both if we’re being honest. There are certainly uses for having your very own set of vagina dentata, but of course there’s obviously some downsides to it as well. Especially for a young girl who's attempting to live her life in abstinence while being a hormonal teenager. Throw in a very damaged family life with a fairly creepy, over sexed, step brother and a very sick mother and you have a horror film that’ll stay with you forever. The things you see in Teeth cannot be unseen, and then to make it more fun you’ll want to make other people see the things. Which is why it is the perfect way to end an evening of sexual horror films.
There’s definitely layers to this film, and it’s a movie that some might appreciate and others might be horrified by it. Regardless of your feelings on it, you can’t deny that it is a well-made film. Both unique in its concept & subtle but entertaining in its criticism of abstinence & sex education. The movie will surprise you at times, and then horrify you, and then make you just flat out root for our lead! I felt a rollercoaster of emotions the first time I saw Teeth, and I’ve never forgotten that first viewing. What I also will always enjoy, and always remember, is watching friends faces as they see it for the first time. I do my best not to spoil too much of the movie, but just know that it’s a very satisfying movie. There’s a level of cathartic release that we achieve watching our lead actress traverse this unfamiliar sexual territory.
Regardless of how I’ve arranged these films, we all know that you indulge horror best when you indulge it to your preferences. We know how we handle things, and the energy that we want to create. Whatever order you watch them in, my honest opinion is that these three films make for an excellent night. A succubus, an STDemon, and a vagina dentata girl walk onto your screen...Honestly, who would turn off that? Whether you’re alone or with others, this is a movie night that you should enjoy with an extra-large bowl of popcorn. You’ll scream, laugh, and it’ll spark some interesting conversations when you watch it with others. I guarantee a wicked lovely time with these films, and with the people you’d invite to watch them with.
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