B MOVIE BLOCKBUSTERS: Hobgoblins
BACK OF THE VHS BLURB:
Aliens have landed on Earth 30 years prior, and have been living in a film vault. Due to the ineptitude of several young security guards, the hobgoblins are unleashed and attack a group of friends. Their wildest fantasies, including sex line girls and stripper dream jobs, all began to come true with disastrous results. As the body count begins to almost get started, the group must figure out how to defeat the hobgoblins before maybe one of them dies.
So...WTF did I just watch?
MOVIE: Hobgoblins
YEAR: 1988
DIRECTOR: Rick Sloane
CAST: Tom Bartlett, Paige Sullivan, Steven Boggs, Kelley Palmer, Billy Frank, Daran Norris, Jeffery Culver
B-MOVIE HIGHLIGHTS:
Well. Ever wondered what the D-league version of Gremlins or Critters would be? Wonder no more my dear friends. This movie has got you covered. A movie with what I can only assume were by definition (barely) puppets and a lot of weird sexual exploits. A movie called Hobgoblins. Let's dive in.
So our intro is a young security guard air drumming away to his pop rock ‘80s music, and is interrupted by the old guard, McReedy (Jeffrey Culver). After scolding the young man for not being on task, they set off to check the rooms in the building, except for the one with its door ajar. McReedy warns the young guard against it, but McReedy is then called into the office of the only other person that works at this film studio, some angry old boss man.
Left to his own devices, the young guard goes back into the room he is not supposed to, and finds a film vault that looks like a bank vault. He easily gets inside because vaults don't lock apparently. He hears growling noises, but they are soon replaced by him being on stage. There is no band, and no audience, just some great ‘80s generic rock pop playing, and this dude goes full rock star. He dances, sings unintelligible lyrics, and gets cheered by what must be an audience soundtrack as he is still performing for absolutely no one. He spins off stage, and his fantasy ends with him dead on the vault floor, covered in a green goo. McReedy finds him after running to the vault like an old man runs to the bathroom. McReedy just closes the vault and informs boss man that the new guy quit. No need to write that severance check though, pal.
In comes Kevin, our main hero I think. He gets the new guard position and gets showed the ropes by McReedy. Then we see Kevin at home with his girlfriend and friends. What a colorful cast of real life people. His girlfriend Amy is a little prudish and conservative, and nags Kevin at every opportunity about his shortcomings. True human drama here, folks. We then have nerdy Kyle, who calls up a sex line on Kevin's phone constantly. Gritty realism here. Then we have Daphne, the call girl and sexually active hip friend. Inspiring, to say the least. She has just been reunited with her Army boyfriend Nick, who fills the stereotype of horny dumb soldier with class and dignity.
While Amy berates Kevin, Nick decides to show him some Army hand-to-hand combat to help him achieve more in life. A thrilling battle using improvised weapons, such as a rake and a hoe, show Kevin he's got some work to do to win Amy over. Despite her forcing him to fight an Army soldier, Amy believes that Kevin could defeat him 1 on 1. Dammit Kevin, come on now!
Kevin goes back to work and then his chance to shine comes. A burglar has come, and has taken McReedy hostage. Kevin finds a gun and shoots it in the air, which startles the burglar who takes off back into the building. Top notch work Kev. He follows the man in to find that he may have gone to the vault. Kevin opens the vault before McReedy can get there, and the hobgoblins escape via the security golf cart. They are puppets of the most simple of quality. Like a thrift store version of a puppet prototype, but it will have to do.
McReedy is distraught, and informs Kevin he encountered these hobgoblins literally 30 fucking years prior, and has kept them as a secret in the film vault since. What? How? He kept aliens in a film vault for 30 years? What film company is this? They have a boss, a security guard, and a vault full of aliens that no one ever goes in. What the actual fuck though.
Well the hobgoblins have made their way to Kevin's place, were Daphne, Kyle, ad Amy are having an ‘80s dance party. The lights attract the hobgoblins, who trick Daphne outside. After a roll fight in the yard, those garden tool tactics come back into play as Daphne beats one with a hoe. Ironic a bit, but anyways. Daphne stumbles back in, clothes askew and everyone thinks Nick just had a quickie with her. The hobgoblins clarify things by attacking everyone, all to the sound of some sweet instrumental ‘80s synth.
Kevin arrives and they all fight off the hobgoblins. Kevin explains they tap into your brain, and make your wildest fantasy real, and then it turns to shit and you die somehow. Brutal, really. Kyle succumbs first, as the commotion has forced him to call the sex line once again. The call turns real as the operator is now outside waiting for Kyle. He takes her to some cliff side point to get it on, but Kevin, noticing him gone, catches up. He saves Kyle before his imaginary sex line date nearly pushes his car off a cliff. Kyle and Kevin rush back to find Amy has also been lured into a fantasy. What was the prudish Amy's fantasy? To be a stripper, of course!
The strip club sequence removes the hobgoblins from the equation for a bit, and we just get a long part of strip club hi jinks, a synth-punk house band, and a creepy doorman. Eventually, we find Amy has come to perform. More hobgoblins are there, and everyone starts getting hit. Nick especially, as he now sees his commanding officer telling him to take out the threats, so he literally just starts throwing grenades everywhere. Now it seems whatever the hobgoblins make appear from your imagination is real, so these grenades are live, and look a lot like pyro at a wrestling show.
Kevin manages to kill a hobgoblin, breaking Amy from her reverie. Nick's imaginary commander makes him jump on a live grenade, which in turn sets him on fire. Not sure, but I don't think that is how a grenade works, but then again these are entrance pyro grenades, so I digress. They eventually escape the club, but find more hobgoblins in their van. They head back to the film studio to see if McReedy, that old fuck, can help.
Well McReedy, had just been fired by the boss man. He meets up with the gang, just as the burglar from before comes back again, this time with two sets of nunchucks. Yeah. You read that right. He gives one to Kevin, who finally stands up and beats him for Amy to see. But, it was all an illusion, as McReedy shoots the hobgoblin creating the mindfuck. The other hobgoblins run back to the vault to hide, but McReedy, that wily old lunatic, has rigged the vault with explosives, and blows them all the fuck up.
In the end, Amy decides she will finally have sex with Kevin. Nick, despite being set ablaze earlier, comes back to fuck Daphne in the van right then and there, and Kyle asks to use this random outdoor phone McReedy has to call the sex line. The end. YES THAT'S THE FUCKING END. I KNOW. I KNOW. WHAT THE HELL.
Well, that was an experience. Such a roller-coaster of emotions. From puppetry of the absolute bare minimum to acting that felt like a local car commercial, this was something else. All in all, it has to be ranked as a classic B-MOVIE BLOCKBUSTER.
Scared to miss a review? Subscribe to our newsletter HERE
Want more B MOVIE BLOCKBUSTERS? Just search below:
