Lousy Lottery #9 - Critters
Welcome, friends, to the Lousy Lottery! Here’s how it works. First, I post four movies to a poll on Twitter. Fans vote to pick which movie to make me watch that week. I watch it, review it and spread the word about an amazingly awful, terribly terrific b-horror flick.
This is week nine! Your pick for this week is 1986’s creature feature classic, Critters!
Oh boy, if you haven’t seen Critters and call yourself a fan of the genre, you need to remedy that immediately. Critters is not just fun, funny and frightening, it also hugely influenced movies of the time and went on to spawn toys, shirts, web series, fan fiction and sequels galore. It’s not just a franchise, it seems to be an invasion! Critters is one of those ‘80s movies that takes equal parts wholesome American 1950’s nostalgia, goofy ‘80s plots and characters and little monsters and blends them into a single cinematic wonder. Some movies, like Gremlins, Goonies and Critters, did this so incredibly well that taking a trip down that memory lane is always a fun time. I hadn’t seen Critters in some time and this viewing I got to share the fun with my 11 year old and we both had a blast! If it’s been a minute for you as well, let’s start with the plot.
It’s present day ‘80s America, but the only evidence of that is the occasional mullet or modern car. If it weren’t for those things, you’d think you’d stepped out of the modern world and into the bucolic farmland of an Edward Hopper painting. This calm, serene landscape is about to get a visit from some very naughty aliens who only want to tear shit up. No, I’m not talking about Stitch, I’m talking about the crites! A group of aliens, who are basically balls of fur, teeth and poisonous spines, called crites are being held on a prison asteroid by some sort of other, more humanoid aliens. They aren’t held for long, though, and manage to not only escape but get a ship and head for earth. Again, no, we’re not talking about Lilo & Stitch, stop it.
The folks back at the prison send two shape shifting bounty hunters after them! How do they know where to find them? How will they find them? Well, we don’t really know, okay? Somehow they make it to the same town just after the crites get there. The crites seem to fly around a little finding the perfect place to land and, for some reason, choose a sleepy farm in a small Kansas town. The local town drunk, Charlie, has been going on and on about little aliens coming to earth and, guess what, they just so happen to land at the farm where ol’ Charlie works.
The shape shifting bounty hunters aren’t far behind, although they are more bumbling than helpful and really don’t contribute much to taking down the crites. That’s okay, the Brown family who owns the farm and ol’ Charlie are going to do just fine. The father of the Brown family, Jay, does his level best but becomes injured by the crites and can’t continue. Same goes for mom, played by the incomparable scream queen Dee Wallace (ET, Cujo), who takes a critter spine right to the neck. Like any good ‘80s movie, our heroes must rise up from unlikely places. Salvation won’t come from cops, parents or even bounty hunters. Salvation comes from a young man named Brad Brown, played by the wonderful Scott Grimes (American Dad, ER), and the town drunk.
I love this about movies from this time and especially the horror movies from this era. They did such a good job of giving spotlight to the maligned and the disregarded. There are countless examples of this, but Critters is a good one. Charlie and Brad are awesome, capable and full characters. The adults and the authority figures are often laughable. This sends a message I wholeheartedly endorse.
The general message is not the only great thing about Critters. The script is also surprisingly good. I think movies often benefit from keeping to the original vision of the writer and Critters certainly did that. You see, Charlie is played by screenwriter Don Keith Opper who gave the script directly to director Stephen Herek while they were working together on a project. This meant the director got the screenplay directly from the writer and the two of them developed the movie, produced it, shot it and, in the case of Opper, even starred in it. This kept the production to the original vision and it shows.
Critters also has some fantastic visuals for the time. The production design is incredibly detailed and does a great job at capturing that all American farm feel. The cinematography from Tim Suhrstedt is truly fantastic. This was one of Suhrstedt’s first projects and finding him was as lucky as it gets. He would go on to be Steven Soderbergh’s go to guy and would be the principal director of photography for iconic shows from The Wonder Years all the way to now with Silicon Valley. He’s an icon and they snagged him in his early years.
The visual effects were great too. For the explosives they used veteran Joe Lombardi who blew up a crite in a really cool way in coordination with puppeteers. That crite explosion was cool, but the pièce de résistance was when he blew the actual farmhouse to bits using permachord and, yowza, it was a doozie. The make up and special effects were overseen by master John Goodwin (Tremors, Men in Black) and the Chiodo Brothers (Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Elf). With those folks at the helm, you get some damn fine wounds, costumes and, most importantly, creatures! The first transformation of one of the shape shifting bounty hunters was especially fantastic, so look for that one for sure!
Critters really pulls off some magic. Before the franchise decided to lean heavily into the camp and silliness, the original provides a grounded, heartfelt nostalgia that really anchors it. The family really has chemistry too and in the end you get something that is silly and campy, but has more depth than you’d expect. I loved watching it with my daughter and you should give it a go too. Find it streaming on Prime and wherever critters roam!
Don’t forget to see what’s coming next in the Lousy Lottery. Make sure you tune into Twitter later today and vote for Lousy Lottery 6! My handle is @MrJosh79, look for it and don’t forget to vote!
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