THE APE WITH A DOCTORATE IN DEATH By Doug Klein
Cornelius sat in his car outside of the facility. He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. He had on only his white lab coat, adorned with his ID badge and assortment of pens. He wore nothing else except the ape fur that covered his body and a pair of prescription glasses. It had been nearly four decades since apes had started to make individual evolutionary jumps, and had begun integrating with human society. Cornelius, however, was the only ape with a Ph.D., let alone one in theoretical physics.
Sadly, all it had landed him was at this crackpot institute working on outlandish projects that were destined to fail. No one wanted to see an ape make a major scientific breakthrough. But none of that mattered today. Today, he would make history. Today, he would change history.
Cornelius walked briskly through the main lobby, and down into the "top secret" levels, which were more of a charade than a laboratory space. Jet packs, artificial suns, and other childish projects took front and center, all just a marketing ploy to get more funding. Cornelius himself had been placed solely on a project meant to create a window in time to observe historical events as they happened. Stupid. Until, that is, Cornelius found a way to do it.
Using a dangerous combination of quantum mechanics, theoretical physics, and a more than likely unsafe amount of atomic energy, Cornelius had created a device that could anchor someone at a point in time, and then reach back creating a portal of sorts to view the other part of time. He had told no one. He had worked vigorously to create a way to view both backward and forward in time. Again, he told no one. Simply viewing it was his company's objective, but Cornelius had other intentions.
Cornelius entered his work space and quickly closed the door. He scurried to his last notes, and placed the metallic bracelet device on his left arm. It began to hum as it warmed up. He walked by the other workbench in his space, and his hand gently ran along the top of an item covered with white cloth. It was fairly large and long, but could be handled by one with enough strength. Perhaps, the strength of an ape would suffice. As the bracelet hum changed to a high-pitched whirl, the door to his space flung open and in lumbered a loud man in lab coat and other human clothes as well. Cornelius let out a gruff sigh. He had hoped to cherish this moment, but fate had chosen now to be the time. His bracelet had reached a ready point and he had his perfect unwilling test subject in the room.
Kyle.
He was an obnoxious and under qualified Projects Manager who had simply gotten the job due to family contacts and charitable donations made in his name by his wealthy parents. He was also Cornelius's boss.
"Hey Corny! How's it going in the dungeon, my ape-man!" Kyle said as he walked over and slapped Cornelius roughly on the back of his shoulder. The impact forced Cornelius to readjust his glasses. He hated being called Corny, especially by an asshole like Kyle.
"Coming in for a little update and review of your progress. We got a time travel pod or something I can snap a pic of and send to the big boys upstairs? Or do I just got to make something up again like last time?" The last line had a patronizing touch to it, and Cornelius smiled a toothy grin.
"Why yes sir. If you look here at my wrist, I believe I have done it." Cornelius pointed to the device. Kyle wore a skeptical look and put his hands on his hips.
"They want to look at the past, Corny. Not your fancy watch. What do you really got?" Kyle's look of expected failure amused Cornelius. He spoke no more, but activated the device. A light projection shot from the device, creating a large oval on the wall. In the oval was a vast landscape of trees and mountains. Kyle looked at the image, and back to Cornelius, then back again.
"Is this...?" Kyle was at a loss for words. Must have been a first for him. Cornelius filled his gaps.
"This is thousands of years ago. A world untouched by civilized man. Humans have just begun to migrate, and this world is pure. Beautiful. Ready to begin anew." Cornelius lightly sighed as he spoke. He shifted towards the workbench with the covered item as Kyle looked on.
"But can you look at things like the Civil War, the first flight, or Woodstock?" Kyle was clearly flustered. Cornelius ignored his idiot speak. He pulled the sheet off of the project he had on his desk. Kyle was so enthralled with the portal image he did not notice Cornelius wield a large gun-like mechanism.
"Those things won't exist once I've done what I need to, so there is no need to focus on that." Cornelius spoke coldly. Kyle broke from his trance and turned to be staring down the barrel of a strange looking gun. It had glowing tubes running in and out of different parts and the tip was glowing a neon green. Cornelius held Kyle in his sights with complete contempt.
"Man evolved first, and that was nature's mistake. I will change that, and put apes at the top, where we belong. I meant to leave with little notice, but you, Kyle, had to come check up on the ape in the dungeon. Well, let me show you what else I really have got down here." Cornelius spoke in a commanding tone, and held back the smile at Kyle wetting his pants.
"This is a Hyperdynamic Phase Rifle. It will rapidly work your molecules through all phases and states, meaning you will become liquid, gas, and solid again a hundred times in a matter of seconds! You will be fried from the inside out and your organs will be liquefied. I expect it to be quite painful." Cornelius took aim and Kyle shrieked through now flowing tears.
"But...why?! Why?!" The plea was pathetic, but Cornelius took no pity. Not anymore.
"Because you’re an asshole, Kyle. And you are in my way. Goodbye." And with that, Cornelius fired the ray gun. Kyle recoiled, and his body became a hue of neon green. His body seemed to flicker between solid and skeletal, over and over. Cornelius rescinded the ray, and Kyle's smoldering body fell to the floor with a wet thud. The parts of his body that hit the tile seemed to splatter out and stick to the floor, while his skin slowly began to run and pool off of his body. A perfect test. The gun was adequate.
Cornelius ran to the portal and jumped in. He would go back in time and eradicate early man as much as possible. He would keep an eye on the future to see when it reached an acceptable point, and then return to a new world he had created. He waited to hit the other side, to fall into an old, pure world. But he did not.
The image fell away and he found purple bars in front of him. Cornelius panicked for just a moment and backed up. He hit more bars and they fired a jolt through his body that sent him to the ground. The world spun around him for a moment, and when he gathered himself, he saw a strange collection of creatures all around him, most alien in appearance, all dressed in a similar gold and blue uniform. All held what Cornelius understood as some sort of projectile weapon at him. He had been trapped. In a cage. The irony ripped at his ego, but Cornelius managed to stand, arms held up in surrender. Then a voice was heard, with a sort of Texan twang to it.
"Well there. Ain't ever seen a monkey with a lab coat before, but hell, there's always a first for somethin’, right?" An Earth man stepped to the forefront, wearing the same uniform as the others.
"Can you talk too, monkey?" The man, whether intentional or not, pushed all of Cornelius’ buttons at once.
"I can talk. I am an ape you eunuch bitch! What place is this? Where am I? " Cornelius nearly grabbed at the purple bars again, but stopped himself. The man snorted and turned to his comrades.
"This motherfucking monkey can speak! God dammit I've seen everything this time, I'm sure of it." The man turned back to see a fuming Cornelius and chuckled to himself.
"Calm down monkey. I mean ape. I am Kyle Hawkridge, and I am the head of this time district's Chrono-Force. You are in violation of time traveling jurisdictions, and you seem to be carrying a weapon. So we’re gonna take that little firecracker and your little wrist doohickey away and then we will talk." As he spoke, two alien officers took the weapon and the bracelet from the cage with a sort of tractor beam. Cornelius did not even look at them. His eyes remained focused on the Texan man.
"Kyle?" Cornelius said with a quiet rage.
"Yessir. A fine name I think, and yours is...?" Hawkridge waited for a response, but he just watched Cornelius quake in anger and then slump his shoulders in defeat.
"Ahh, good. Some take time for it to all set in. So, let me be blunt with you..." As Hawkridge spoke, just across the room, a large tentacled beast in a giant purple barred cage roared as it tried to push through the bars. Cornelius saw that they bent outwards and in fact, were bars of energy, not solid at all. The beast thrashed about and Hawkridge yelled orders as other alien officers went to subdue the monster.
"Sorry, that bad boy thought he could do what y'all were trying. Ya see, time travel is not allowed by the Cosmic Continuity Bureau. So, we have to intercept anyone trying to time travel because, well, y'all would fuck with the entire cosmic timeline if ya did. So now, you're here. What's next? Well here's the deal bucko. You can join the force, now that you’ve seen us and all, or we are gonna have to scramble your brain a bit and send you back. You won't be able to figure this out again or remember it. Some choose one, some the other." Hawkridge gestured with his arm to all the alien officers around him, suggesting most stay rather than take the brain scramble.
Cornelius stood pensive for a moment. He readjusted his glasses once more, and nodded to himself.
"So, did you know I was coming, or catch me in transit?" Cornelius asked. Hawkridge laughed a bit, but obliged.
"We only see the stream of time, so once you try to jackrabbit jump to the past or future, we know. We always know." Hawkridge stood smug, hands on hips, waiting for Cornelius to decide. Another vile, toothy grin fleshed its way out on Cornelius' face.
"Perfect." Cornelius snapped his arms down, and small laser pistols extended from up his sleeve into both hands. Hawkridge’s eyes went wide with surprise. Cornelius had planned for a few hiccups, and now he had the upper hand. He shot a laser blast at the purple bars, and the overload of energy caused it to burst. The shockwave knocked all officers back and those that took the brunt of the force were torn in two. Blood that was several different dark colors sprayed across the room and Cornelius tumbled and dodged blasts from officers that were further away in the detention center.
Cornelius fired another blast at the bars of the giant tentacle monster, and the result was the same. A vicious explosion eviscerated more alien officers, and the beast, now free, began crushing and eating officers at will. Cornelius made a mad dash for his bracelet and managed to scoop it up in another well-timed tumble. Chaos had erupted in the detention center with alarms going off and more officers being thrown about by the rampaging monster. Cornelius scrambled about and got to his Hyperdynamic Phase Rifle. He grabbed it and reactivated the bracelet. The hum had just about hit its highest pitch, and the original image appeared. He went to step through and was hit from behind with tremendous force. This time Cornelius found himself landing hard in the pure world he had sought. But he was not alone.
Kyle.
Hawkridge had tackled him through the portal and now they were engaged in a battle of strength. Hawkridge gripped onto the bracelet and managed to rip it free. They both ended up standing up with guns drawn at each other.
A sudden roar bellowed out from above them. The portal had not closed, the bracelet was still running, and the beast had found its way through the portal. It landed with a huge impact, and its tentacles flailed about as its gaping maw roared once more. Cornelius and Hawkridge looked at each other and then both turned to the beast. Blasts from both weapons hit the mark and the beast shook violently. It flashed neon green, and thrashed in its death throes before falling down in a sizzling heap.
A brief moment of cease fire persisted until both realized they had not yet finished what they had started. Hawkridge turned, but just a tad to slow as Cornelius blasted his gun from his hand with one of the sleeve lasers. Cornelius then leveled the rifle at Hawkridge, who then thrust the bracelet into the air.
"Kill me and you can't get back! You need me! This was fun, monkey. But it’s over." Hawkridge stood confidently despite his predicament. Cornelius peered at Hawkridge through angry eyes.
"I no longer take orders from man." Hawkridge opened his mouth in shock. Perhaps he was going to shout, but his body flashed like an aurora and his skeleton danced in the neon glow. The device in his hands exploded, the shockwave turning Hawkridge into a shower of melted flesh and gore. The portal image closed, and Cornelius was alone. He stood quietly, realizing that this was his fate now. He had failed, and now must live out his life like his ancestors did. Then a sound grabbed his attention.
People, dirty and wearing tattered animal skins as clothing, emerged from the trees behind him. They carried crude spears. It was early man.
They walked up to Cornelius, and they all laid down their weapons. They also knelt down, bowing to Cornelius. He then understood. He had just fallen from the sky, slayed a monster, and killed another man in extraordinary fashion. He was a god.
"Perhaps I can work with this." Cornelius said through an evil, toothy grin.
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