Lousy Lottery 10 - American Ninja!
Welcome, friends, to the Lousy Lottery! Here’s how it works. First, I post four movies to a poll on Twitter. Fans vote to pick which movie to make me watch that week. I watch it, review it and spread the word about an amazingly awful, terribly terrific b-horror flick.
This is week 10! Your pick for this week is 1985’s patriotic pile of goodness, American Ninja!
The poll for this week was released on Memorial Day, so it seems only fitting that we put the most America Fuck Yeah movies up for the vote. The 1980’s was full of pro-US sentiment thanks to the relentless efforts of Lee Atwater and Ronald Reagan to win the Cold War by winning the culture war. Turn on the MTV! Chug that soda, kids! And someone please start pumping out movies full of testosterone filled with American soldiers kicking some commie or just otherwise scary foreigner ass!
And remember, kids, winners don’t do drugs! Ah, yes, the ‘80s were full of movies that were thinly veiled propaganda for American Exceptionalism. While it was cringe and eye-roll inducing for me during the ‘80s, looking back on these movies now is tons of fun. They are hilarious, dramatic and so cheesy I may never shit again. The tagline for American Ninja is “The Deadliest Art of the Orient is Now in the Hands of an American!” I mean, does this sentence have a single clause that isn’t problematic? That tagline perfectly sums up the USA! USA! USA! attitude of the time and, well, American Ninja as a film. Let’s dive right in, shall we?
Private Joe Armstrong, wait isn’t that the singer from Green Day, is about to be sent to prison. That’s where he’s headed until a judge learns Mr. Armstrong has certain special skills that could be of use to the army at the moment. You see, Private Armstrong just so happens to be a master of that mystical martial art known as ninjitsu. Sure, there’s a ninjitsu dojo in a strip mall here in my town, but back in the early ‘80s, boy oh boy did audiences believe it was some sort of foreign secret to be tapped! Well, Private Armstrong has tapped that foreign secret and the judge wants him to head to the Philippines to put his rare skills to use for America!
So, Joe is sent to the mysterious east rather than prison. It takes him no time at all to start getting in shit. In no time flat he defeats the Black Star Order of ninja and foils their attempt to kidnap a Colonel’s daughter. You’d think that would mean he’d be beloved, but, alas, that is not dramatic enough. Like a good American, he’s a lone wolf. Forget the fact that part of the genius of actual ninjas was their ability to work as a team. Oh, not this American! So, he doesn’t get along well with his fellow soldiers and one of them challenges him to a fight pretty much immediately after he arrives at base. His base-mates are impressed with his skills during this fight and he and the provocateur end up bonding.
Since they’ve bonded, Private Joe decides to let Curtis, the guy he fought, in on a secret. Plot twist! Private Joe has amnesia! Gasp! He remembers almost nothing of his past, just vague memories of street gangs, violence and, somehow along the way, mastering the art of ninjitsu. Outside of that, bro, like he doesn’t remember anything, bro. While Joe is on a date, he just happens to see one of his sergeant’s doing some shady business with a black market dealer named Ortega. It’s a shame the sergeant sees Joe and now the sergeant, Ortega and the Black Star Order want him dead. Ortega sends some ninjas-for-hire after him, because of course he does. The Black Star Order sends an assassin. Remember that Colonel whose daughter Joe saved? Well, turns out he’s on the payroll of the Black Star Order! So, when Joe runs to the colonel for help, he finds none.
This message of the lone man having to take on corruption both public and private with his ninja skills is about the most ‘80s American action movie as it gets! There are numerous sequels to this movie, so it’s no spoiler to say he escapes with his life. That said, the way it goes down and the plot twist he learns about his past is so insane and so incredible that I simply cannot and will not spoil it. Watch it, seriously.
These movies, the Top Guns, Iron Eagles and American Ninja’s of the world, were perfect examples of style over substance. It was all about the vibe, the look and the patriotic message. All that plot, skill and storytelling stuff is for commies! This means they are very often fun and audience pleasing but not very well made films at all. Why is American Ninja a perfect example of this? Well, let me give you two facts about this flick. First, it had just a $1 million budget, but made nearly $11 million at the domestic box office alone. Second fact, it currently has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Did folks enjoy it? Did it speak right to their views at the time? Hell yes it did. Was it a very well made film? Uh, no, not really.
Director Sam Firstenberg (Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogalloo) auditioned thousands of people and said he was looking for someone who looked like James Dean and had a chip on their shoulder. In other words, he was looking for a look and an attitude. Was he looking for someone with knowledge of martial arts? Nope. Experience in film? Nah. Well, he found his angry Dean in Michael Dudikoff (Bachelor Party), who, in fact, had no martial arts experience of any kind. To his credit, Dudikoff really dedicated himself to the role, even filming through a bout of malaria. He’d go on to study the applicable martial arts so deeply he ended up earning a black belt. You can tell too, it’s an ‘all in’ kind of performance.
If you are looking for something life changing and a work of true art, well you probably aren’t watching American Ninja to begin with. If you’re looking for a movie that makes you say ‘hell yeah!’ a lot, then maybe it’s the movie for you. It’s the cinematic equivalent of an air show. So, get out your air horn, sit back and enjoy! The fight choreography is silly. The action special effects are standard at best. The acting is cheesier than a quesadilla. It’s dumb patriotic fun from start to finish. I recommend pairing this one with an uplifting sativa strain.
Don’t forget to see what’s coming next in the Lousy Lottery. Make sure you tune into Twitter later today and vote for Lousy Lottery 11! My handle is @MrJosh79, look for it and don’t forget to vote!
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