Lousy Lottery 13 - Double Feature of Hot Eight-Legged Disasters
Welcome, friends, to the Lousy Lottery! Here’s how it works. First, I post four movies to a poll on Twitter. Fans vote to pick which movie to make me watch that week. I watch it, review it and spread the word about an amazingly awful, terribly terrific b-horror flick.
This is week 13! Your pick for this week is 2015’s incomparable Lavalantula. To celebrate lucky number 13, we’re going to do things a little differently. This week you get a twofer! My fellow Horror Bound writer and one of our senior editors, Dave Lasota, joined me for one hell of a double feature, Lavalantula and it’s sequel 2 Lava 2 Lantula. I’m going to get things started with the o.g. Lavalantula and then I’ll pass things off to brother Dave.
I’m not going to spend much time on the plot because, frankly, it just isn’t important to your viewing experience of this movie. The short version is that Colton West is an actor and former star desperate for work. He wants the fame and respect he used to have. He finds it in the oddest way, when he becomes the person to save the city of LA from fire-breathing, lava spewing mutant spiders.
SyFy made Lavalantula for their channel and in response to the success of Sharknado. The story goes that Steve Guttenberg was offered the lead role in Sharknado and passed. When he saw the traction Sharknado was getting, he went to SyFy and said he wanted in on whatever they did next. It’s like a line from the movie says, “The only reason I’m in this movie is so they can put my name and face on the video box.” In other words, they essentially greenlit this movie because Guttenberg agreed to be in it. They were so pumped to have him they let him chose the cast and make tons of filmmaking decisions. Anyone familiar with film history knows this is often a very bad idea to give so much creative control to a star.
Here, the influence of Guttenberg isn’t so bad and it seems clear, outside of casting, he let the writer and director do their thing. Still, you can certainly feel the Guttenberg influence in terms of the comedy, breaking the fourth wall and in that cast. It seems ol’ Steve used his blank check to get work for nearly every actor friend he has. No, not the Ted Danson’s and Tom Selleck’s of the world. Oh no. Remember that guy from the Police Academy movies that did all the sound effects? Well, his name is Michael Winslow. He has a pretty big part in this movie and one line in he’s doing the sound effects thing.
The first kill comes at about 15 minutes into the movie when West’s wife’s mother has her face burned off by a spider. Turns out the spiders can breathe fire like a flame thrower. It’s not just any fire, it literally melts through her face, bones and all. And just who was that woman? Sgt. Callahan from the Police Academy movies. The cast feels like one random after another. A kid on the bus? Why that’s Ham from The Sandlot. The director of the movie West is shooting? That’s real life writer/director Leigh Whannell. West randomly runs into Ian Ziering on the street. When he asks Ian for help, Ian replies, “I wish I could, but I have shark problems to take care of” and walks off. The list of such cameos goes on and on.
You may be thinking that such an approach is not a great way to get genuine, heartfelt performances. You would be right, but it does make for one fun actor easter egg after another. You’ll find yourself constantly going, ‘wait, is that….?’ There are other types of easter eggs in abundance too. References to all kinds of movies from Indiana Jones to Scarface.
In the end, you get a movie that doesn’t take itself terribly seriously at all. When it does, the movie loses some of the fun and silliness that makes it enjoyable. When it leans into that goofiness, that’s where it really shines. If you’re expecting Shakespeare, look elsewhere. If you’re looking for some cinematic junk food, have I got the movie for you.
I wouldn’t watch it alone, though. It pairs perfectly with a nice sativa and a screening of the sequel, 2 Lava 2 Lantula. I’ll leave that one up to Mr. Lasota. Dave, take it away!
Well thank you Josh, and thanks for letting me play in your sandbox for this double-feature. This was quite the experience. My thanks to the fans and voters out there too for selecting such wonderful direct-to-SYFY-releases as Lavalantula and what I will be chatting about - 2 Lava 2 Lantula (yes, that is the actual title). Let’s get started because this is going to be a hot one (yes, this will be full of puns and cliche action movie lines - we sat through them, I’m gonna share that joy).
Guttenberg is back in his role of Colten West in this scorcher of a sequel (I wasn’t kidding). Right from the jump, the writer Neil Elman (Lavalantua; I Spit on Your Grave 2 [2013]) and director Nick Simon (Truth or Dare; The Girl in the Photographs) capitalized on a missed opportunity and put Guttenberg and his partner Michael Winslow (Motormouth Jones - Police Academy) in cop uniforms on the set of a new movie set in Miami. That is the first of many, many, many Easter Eggs throughout this flick.
Like Josh, I’m not going to get too much into the plot, but suffice it to say, Miami blows up and the Lavalantulas are running wild. These ones however have evolved. Oh they still breath fire and spit lava balls, but now they can launch spines from their backs. With his step-daughter Raya trapped in Ft. Lauderdale, once again it falls on the shoulders of Colton West to save the city and perhaps earn the love of Raya.
West, Marty (Michael Winslow), and personal assistant Kyle (Jimmy Bellinger - Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, The Middle), embark on what should have been a 40 minute trip on I-95 from Miami to Ft. Lauderdale, but turns into an hour, 23 minute Easter Egg hunt through the Florida Everglades, an alligator farm, and Miami North University. I say Easter Egg hunt because this movie is full of them. From the first appearance of the Lavalantulas (“They’re here”), to the Miami North University sequence (or should I say Jurassic Park University - kitchen scene and completed with a falling banner touting the MNU mascot… You guessed it - the Raptors), this movie is one reference after the other.
Just a few others include:
Scarface bathroom execution scene
Miami Vice theme song and wardrobe
Crocodile Dundee character named Gator Dundee
Pulp Fiction “Zed’s dead, man. Zed’s dead.”
Star Wars “Never tell me the odds.”
I’ll leave some for you to discover on your own.
One of my favourites came from Colonel Jester played by Cobra Kai Sensei, Martin Kove (Karate Kid, Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood). While we were watching these, I told Mr. Josh that they had to have him say THE phrase. Well, they did not disappoint. Jester suggested they fire at the ground near the Gargantulantula’s (not to be confused with the Mamalantula from the first movie) feet, that maybe she’ll “SWEEP THE LEG.”
Overall, this movie wasn’t that bad if you like call backs, references, and decent CGI effects. Aside from Guttenberg attending the Christian Bale School of Superhero Voice Acting, the acting was good for this type of movie. Personal Assistant Kyle shines especially with his “all the crazy shit happens in Florida” diatribe. It served its purpose of having a fun creature feature with some funny spots and an abundance of saying, “Hey! That’s from (insert reference here)”. The end may involve jammed bomb bay doors, a cowboy hat, and a ‘YEE HAW’ for you Slim Pickens fans out there.
Well folks, that about wraps it up for me. I took it easy on the puns, I can only take so many too. Thanks again for having me, Mr. Josh. It’s been a blast.
Don’t forget to see what’s coming next in the Lousy Lottery. Make sure you tune into Twitter later today and vote for Lousy Lottery 14! My handle is @MrJosh79, look for it and don’t forget to vote!
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