Kraker Jack by Johnny Walker Ranger
My dumbass readers know I am a world famous demon slayer but what you mouth breathers may not know is that I am a monster hunter as well. So sit back and let me tell you the true story of my encounter with the Kraker Jack.
It was a hot, humid Friday night in Oxford, Mississippi. It was the first weekend in June and me, my brother Cap, Joe Bob, and Briggs (redneck twins on my demon killing team called the Bruce Campbells) were headed to the local bar to wet our whistles.
“Johnny, man. You think they got any dadgum hot chicks?” Joe Bob asked.
“Yeah, any hot chicks?” Briggs repeated.
I opened the door to the bar and looked over my shoulder at the two morons. “If they do, they won’t be talking to you two nitwits” Cap chuckled.
“Why the hell you always gotta be so mean?” Joe Bob said and ran his hands through his curly blond hair.
“Yeah why so dadgum mean?” Briggs followed suit. We stepped through the threshold.
“And why are you laughing?” I scolded Cap. “You have about as much skill with women as a blind man playing poker.” Cap’s face went from his shit eating grin to droopy. “Hey, that’s not true. Remember the pool party that got us started on our demon killing adventure? Bree? She was into me.” He nodded and his bushy black hair shook with his head.
“She ever call you?” I asked.
“No, but…”
“So shut up. Let’s go get a drink, boys.” I walked to the bar and the Three Stooges followed me.
The lighting in the bar was dim, and smoke from cigarettes and cigars coated the room like fog. There were neon lights around the trim and the bar. The jukebox blared in the background and the cracking of pool balls echoed in our ears. The place smelled like a redneck who sweated beer and rolled around in a tub full of dipping tobacco.
We found three seats at the bar and sat down. Cap was at my left and some old timer was at my right. Joe Bob and Brigs sat next to my brother. The bartender mosied over to us, drying a shot glass.
“What’ll it be, fellas?” the bartender asked. He was an old, wiry man with white hair and coke bottle glasses.
“I’ll have a Natty Light, Fuck Ass,” I said and leaned on the counter.
Cap, Joe Bob, and Briggs tried to stifle their laughs.
The old man took a step closer to me. “What did you just call me, you ginger?”
“Come on, haven’t you ever seen The Boondock Saints? The bartender? Fuck Ass? You look just like him. It’s a compliment you mean old bastard,” I said and gave him an eyebrow raise.
“Meh,” he waived. “I don’t watch that crap.” He turned to Cap and the twins. “What do you want?”
“Fat Tire,” Cap said.
“Miller Lite,” Joe Bob said.
“Dadgum summabitchin’ Miller Lite,” Briggs repeated.
Fuck Ass stepped away to get our drinks.
I glanced over my shoulder at the man next to me. He nursed a double shot of bourbon, neat, and was in deep thought. He had salt and pepper stubble and his wavy hair sat underneath a dingy sailor’s hat.
“You one of the Village People or are you the real deal?” I asked him.
He blinked his eyes in a rapid motion and left his thoughts. He glared at me. “What did you just say?”
“I asked if you were just playing dress up or are you really a captain of a sea bearing vessel?”
“Aye,” he said. “I’m a real capin’”
“Oh yeah? Like Han Solo? What’s the name of your ship?”
He turned his stool to face me. “It’s called the USS I will ram my boat so far up your ass the blinking light on my bow will make your nose light up like Rudolph.”
I cracked a smile and patted him on the shoulder. “You’re all right, fella.” He smiled back.
I reached out my hand. “The name’s Johnny Walker Ranger.”
He shook it. “Aye, you’re that world famous demon slayer.”
“I am,” I said and winked.
“The name’s Quint.” He let go of my hand then cupped his drink.
“Well, no shit?” I spun around in my seat and faced Cap. He rolled his eyes and I flipped him off then sang, “Farewell and adieu you fair Spanish ladies.”
“Shut up, JR.” Cap pushed my shoulder.
“Here’s to swimmin’ with bowlegged women.” I raised my eyebrows several times at Cap.
“You dadgum funny as hell, Johnny,” Joe Bob hee hawed.
“Summabitchin’ funny as hell, man,” Briggs snorted.
Fuck Ass set our drinks on the bar and walked away without a word. I swiped mine up, took a sip, then faced Quint.
“So, Jaws, you got any adventurous sea tales you wanna fill us in on?” I took another swig.
Cap, Joe Bob, and Briggs gazed over my shoulder at Old Man and the Sea. They wanted in on story time.
Quint lifted his head in a slow, smooth motion. His eyes hid under the shadow of his hat and smoke from the room snaked around him. He stared off into the distance then lifted his bourbon and took a sip. He licked his lips and the glass down on the bar.
“Aye, I thought it was only legend--myth,” he said and patted his coat pocket. He slipped out a cigarette and matchbook. He struck the match and lit up. He waved the dying ember and its sulfur scent hit our nostrils. He sucked his cancer stick and exhaled.
“I went out looking for her a year ago,” Quint said.
“Was she hot?” Cap asked.
I elbowed him in the gut.
“Ouch,” he winced.
“Quiet, dumbass. You’re ruining the story,” I said.
“No,” Quint said to Cap. “She wasn’t hot.” He took another drag and exhaled. “She was deadly.”
“What is she,” I asked. “A siren? A mermaid? Come on, out with it.”
Quint narrowed his eyes and stared at us. His brow furrowed and he adjusted his hat. I downed the rest of my beer. Cap bit his lip. Joe Bob and Briggs looked at the bottom of their beer bottles to make sure they drained it.
“Her tentacles wrapped around my vessels several times. The opening of her mouth was the size of an elevator. Her eyes were dark and lifeless. The point of her head was like a mountain rising out of the ocean.” The intensity in Quint’s face escalated.
The description drew Briggs out of his ongoing investigation of his beer bottle.
“Summabitch,” he said and stood up from his seat. “You!” He pointed at Quint and wagged his finger. “You!” He turned and faced the room full of people behind him. “Hey, this summabitchin’ motherfucker done seen the dadgum Kraken!”
Joe Bob grabbed Briggs by the back of the collar and yanked him down. “Shut the hell up and sit down, Davy Jones.”
The folks in the bar paused and gawked at Briggs for a second then went back to their normal shit.
“It ain’t the Kraken,” Quint slammed his fist on the bar.
“Well,” I said. “Then what is it? Cause it sure sounds a hell of a lot like a Kraken and this is sure sounding a hell of a lot like a bullshit story people hear in every bar from here to Kentucky.”
“It ain’t no Kraken and it aint no bullshit,” Quint said and flared his nostrils.
I turned in my stool to face the bar. “Hey, Fuck Ass. Bring us a bottle of Rich and Rare.”
“I ain’t drinking that shit.” Quint’s face puckered.
“It ain’t for you, Gordon Pym. It’s for me. Get your own hooch,” I snarled.
“Comin’ up,” Fuck Ass said.
“Ain’t no bullshit, huh,” I asked. “No Kraken? Then what?”
“The Kraken is off the coast of Norway. But here? Down South? In the Gulf? We got something a hell of a lot worse.” Quint tossed down the rest of his drink.
“There aren’t any giant squids in the Gulf,” Cap argued.
“How do you know,” Quint snapped. “You ever swam to the bottom of the ocean, stick boy? You ever had your vessel get engulfed by it’s tentacles?” Quint stood up and clenched his fists.
I placed a hand on his chest. “Easy there, sailor. You are spoutin’ a lot of shit you need to back up.”
Quint tugged on the lapel of his jacket and sat back down. “Suppose I do.”
Fuck Ass set the bottle of R&R next to me. I took a swig and then offered it to Quint. He eyed it up and down then grabbed it and downed some. He coughed and his eyes watered. He handed it back to me.
“How in the hell can you drink this?” he asked.
I chugged some then said, “It’s an acquired taste. You know, like a delicacy.”
“That shit is hardly a delicacy.” Quint coughed again.
“No one asked you. Besides, you smell like tuna. Now get on with the tale.”
Quint sniffed. “As I was saying, what is here is worse than the Kraken. She is bigger, longer, and meaner. She migrated down into these waters and evolved into Godzilla like proportions.”
“Oh,” Cap interrupted. “Does it shoot radiation from its mouth?” He scooched on his stool. “Or,” he nodded erratically. “Does it shoot radiation from all its suction thingies?”
I swirled around in my seat and faced Cap. “Nitwit, you interrupt one more time and I’m gonna pee on you and light you on fire.”
“But JR, he said Godzilla and--” I stood up and started to unzip.
Cap backed off. “Okay, okay.”
“Not another word from you, box of rocks.” I sat back down. Cap nodded and I swung back around to Quint.
“This monster, boys,” Quint said and rubbed out his cigarette on the bar.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“Is the Southern version of the Kraken. And you know, everything is bigger and better in the South.” Quint dropped his cigarette butt into his empty glass.
“Yeah, no shit,” I said. “So get on with it.”
“Aye,” Quint winked. “This large lady is not the Kraken.” He paused and patted his jacket pocket again.
“Son of a bitch stop with the dramatic shit and just get on with it.” I downed some more R&R. Quint eased out another stick and lit up. He puffed away and kept trying to make this all suspenseful.
Fucking asshole.
“No,” Quint waved out his match. “She ain’t the Kraken, boys. She’s the Kraker. Or as I have come to call her, the Kraker Jack.”
“She got a dadgum prize in the bottom of her?” Joe Bob asked in all seriousness.
“Yeah it better be a summabitchin’ good one,” Briggs added. “Dadgum Craker Jack that summabitchin’ big better have Monster Jam tickets.”
“Fuckin’ A,” Joe Bob said as he and Briggs traded high fives.
Cap banged his hands on the bar in laughter. “Oh...God...JR....I can’t…” He placed a hand to his chest to try and slow his giggling fit.
I massaged my temples. “Why? How come everything and everyone has to be so damn stupid?”
One of Quint’s eyes narrowed more than the other and his upper lip quivered. “You bastards don’t believe ole Quint, do ya?”
“Yeah. Yeah, sure we do.” I hit the bottle of R&R extra hard then slammed it down and wiped my lips. “Sure we do.”
“Oh come on, JR, you can’t be serious.” Cap grabbed the bottle and took a hit.
I shook my head in a slow motion. “Is everybody dumb?” I glared at Cap. “Of course I’m not serious, ignoramus. Seems like you are the only dipshit here who thinks so.”
I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Quint. He squinted and then adjusted his hat. “I’ll wager you a years worth of booze that I am telling the truth. Meet me at the docks in Biloxi Sunday morning at five, sharp. We will go down to the coast to me boat, and I’ll take ya out,” Quint winked. “I’ll take ya to see her.”
I spun my stool around to consult with the Three Stooges.
“Come on, Johnny. I ain’t never been dadgum deep sea fishing,” Joe Bob said.
“Yeah we only ever fish dadgum lakes and rivers,” Briggs added.
“JR,” Cap said with bulging eyes. He had an epiphany. “This is our chance.”
“Our chance for what?” I gave him my eyebrow raise.
“Here me out.”
“Okay, shoot.” I folded my arms.
“You’re already a world famous demon slayer with a best selling book and a ghost hunting podcast. But this…” Cap took the bottle and guzzled some whiskey while holding out his pointer finger.
“Yeah, go on,” I said.
“Ah,” Cap licked his lips. “You discover a Kraken? Not only will you have a best selling book and highly rated podcast. You could also get your very own monster hunting show.” Cap put the bottle on the bar and placed his arm around my shoulders. He spun us to face Quint and he held his hand out and waved it across our line of vision. “Imagine it with me, JR. Johnny Walker Ranger...Cryptid Hunter.”
“Dadgum badass,” Joe Bob said.
“Fucking badass,” Briggs added.
“Just make sure ole Quint will be getting part of the pay.” Quint tugged at his collar and snickered.
“I don’t know if I’ve had enough to drink to follow this lame brain cluster fuck.” I swiped the whiskey off the bar and gave the bottle a three second guzzle. I slammed it on the counter. “Hey, Fuck Ass!”
He stood across the way taking orders and glared at me. “The hell do you want now?”
“You’re looking at the men who are going to release the Kraker Jack.” I stood up from the bar.
Cap, Joe Bob, and Briggs grinned like Cheshire cats.
I nodded at Quint. “See you Sunday morning at five.”
“I’ll be a--wating,” Quint said.
“I don’t even know what that is,” Fuck Ass yelled at us.
“You will soon,” I hollered back at him. I picked the bottle up off the bar. “Come on, you three dipshits. We got a monster hunt to get ready for.”
————————————————————————————————-
Me, Cap, Joe Bob, and Briggs got to the docks Sunday morning just before sunrise. The place smelled like a salt shaker that had been shoved up a tuna’s ass. A gentle breeze grazed across the water and we listened as the waves slapped against the boats.
“Which boat do you think is Quint’s?” Cap asked as he surveyed the ships.
“Find the one that looks like the biggest piece of shit on the lot and it's probably it,” I said then yawned. “This is way too early.” I stretched and said, “this is why I never fished, dammit.”
Joe Bob and Briggs dropped all their fishing crap on the ground with a crash.
I glared at them. “What the hell’d you do that for?”
“Dadgum tired of carrying this shit,” Joe Bob wiped his hands on his pants.
“Yeah, dadgum tired of this shit,” Briggs said.
I eyed them up and down. They looked like fucking beach tourists. The twins had on straw hats with fly fishing lures circled around it, along with tactical vests. The vests were filled with baits and lures of all shapes and sizes. They donned swimming trunks and sandals and had sunscreen smeared across their faces. At their feet were folding chairs, ice chests, and fishing rods.
“You two shit heads look like shit heads,” I said. “And why the hell do you have fly fishing stuff? We ain’t going on a creek, dumbasses.”
“Fuck you, Johnny man. You don’t even know,” Joe Bob adjusted his hat.
“Yeah, you don’t even know.” Briggs looked down into the front pocket of his vest.
“Know what?” I held out my arms. “The difference between saltwater and freshwater? Go head, box of rocks. Try fly fishing out here on the Gulf.”
“We dadgum fucking will,” Joe Bob said and pulled a dip can out of his back pocket. He packed it then swiped some into his front lip.
Briggs copied like he always did.
“Johnny,” a voice called from across the way.
I looked in the general vicinity and about a hundred yards to my left I saw Quint.
“Dear God, help us,” I said as I saw the dilapidated boat Quint prepped.
“JR,” Cap said. He sounded nervous.
“What, numb nuts?”
“I…” Cap shook his head and gazed at the boat. “This is a bad idea.”
I placed my arm around his shoulders. “You’ve forgotten something, ignoramus.”
“What?” He looked over at me with a furrowed brow.
“I’m called by God, which means I am invincible till He is done with me.” I winked, pulled my arm off Cap, and walked to the deathtrap.
Cap mused over my words for a moment. “Wait,” he yelled. “What about me?” He jogged to catch up with me. “Am I invincible? I mean, I am part of the Bruce Campbells.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know? I guess we will find out.” I stopped and turned. “Hey, Olson twins, come on.”
“We dadgum comin’ man!” Joe Bob collected all his gear off the ground and Briggs helped.
————————————————————————————————-
We arrived at the boat and the twins dropped all their shit on the ground again with a clank. I rolled my eyes and then saw Quint step off the boat and onto the dock.
“Was afraid you lads would chicken out,” Qunit said as one of his eyes narrowed. He pulled a cigar out of his shirt pocket then lit up. He wore a dingy, gray cap, a denim shirt, and black jeans.
“Pfff,” I huffed. “I’ve faced demons head on. Do you think I would let some little--err, I mean big cryptid spook me?”
Quint did a dramatic walk over to me and got in my face. He stared me up and down for a few seconds. “The sea,” he said and rolled his cigar to the other side of his mouth. “She is a strange mistress. And her inhabitants are even stranger.”
“Oh yeah,” I asked then motioned over my shoulder with my head. “Stranger than them two?”
Quint eased his head around and stared over my shoulder at Joe Bob and Briggs. The lines on their poles were tangled to hell and they were bickering over whose fault it was. Joe Bob got pissed then picked up an ice chest and clobbered Briggs with it across the face. It flew open and ice and beer tumbled out all over the dock.
Quint gave a disgusted grunt. “You lads get yer shit and let's go. Times a wastin.” He walked away from me and headed to his boat.
I faced Joe Bob and Briggs. “What the hell is wrong with you two? Pick up all that beer and put it back in the chest then bring it aboard.”
“JR, I don’t like this.” Cap came and stood beside me. He gawked at the boat as if it were some abomination out of a horror movie.
“What?” I placed my hands on my hips.
“That boat won’t make it out of the dock. It’s a heap.” Cap swallowed hard.
“Stop being a baby,” I said and punched him in the arm.
“Ouch,” he winced and rubbed his arm. “For real, look. The wood is chipped and rotting. The glass is all busted out and I bet the damn thing won’t even start. We’ll probably have to paddle.”
“You’re being over dramatic,” I said and headed towards the boat.
“There is no way we will survive an attack from the Kraker in that vessel!” Cap cupped his hands and hollard at me.
“Meh,” I said and stepped onto the boat. “You’re being--ah dammit!” When I took my first step, my foot went through a rotten board.”
“What are ya doin’ to me boat?!” Quint came topside in a hissy.
“I didn’t do nothing,” I said and rescued my foot. “Your boat is falling apart.”
Quint glared at me for a second. “Nah, she’ll hold,” he said and went to the cockpit to start the ship.
Joe Bob and Briggs stumbled aboard with all their crap. “Where we put our dadgum stuff, Johnny?” Joe Bob asked.
I glanced around the boat. “Ice chests go below, I guess. You can set your poles on the bow.” I pointed.
“Dadgum, all right,” Briggs said.
The twins put away their stuff and Cap stood on the edge of the dock, still hesitant about getting on the boat. I moseyed over to the port and stared back at him. “You gonna stare at it all day, sailor, or are you coming aboard?”
He gave his head a slow shake. “We are going to shipwreck before we even get to see the monster.”
“Oh yeah,” I huffed. “What makes you so knowledgeable about boats, Gilligan?” The motor roared to life and black smoke shot out from the stern.
“See,” I said. “It starts. Now get on the damn boat.”
“No way.” Cap shook his head faster. I placed my hands on my hips. “Get in the damn boat and stop being a little bitch.”
“Nah-uh. Nope.” The shaking of Cap’s head sped up. I wagged a finger at him. “You get on this boat right now, or so help me God, I will glue your eyelids to your asshole.”
Cap took a step back. “That’s it!” I leaped onto the dock and went after Cap. I grabbed him by the collar of the shirt and he screamed like a little girl. I slapped him across the face. “Stop squealing, Nancy!” I gripped his shoulders with both hands then tossed him onto the boat. Cap stumbled and fell to the floor, still screeching.
“I have seen you do some dramatic shit over the years,” I said and jumped back into the boat. “But I ain’t ever seen you act like this much of a bitch. Now cut it out!”
“Johnny,” Quint called for me.
“What?!” I looked up at him.
“Untie us. We’re ready to head to sea.” Quint pointed at the post on the dock.
“Aye, aye, capin’” I gave a salute, walked over, and untied the rope.
“All right, ya filthy land lovers,” Quint shouted. “Off to summon the Kracker Jack!” Quint hit the throttle and the boat crept away from the dock.
————————————————————————————————-
We traveled the open seas for about two hours, when Quint killed the engine.
“Yeah buddy,” Joe Bob jumped up from his seat on the bow. “Dadgum fishing time.” He grabbed a beer out of the ice chest and his fishing rod. He popped the top, chugged the beer then threw the can overboard.
“Hey, what the hell are you doing, environmentalist? Why you gotta litter,” I scolded him. Joe Bob ignored me, belched, then pulled a lure from his hat and worked to get it positioned on the line.
“I done told you, you ain’t gonna catch shit out here with those.” I was standing on top of the cockpit watching the stupidity unfold.
“Shut up, Johnny,” Briggs said and grabbed a beer and his pole. “You don’t know the first dadgum summabitchin’ thing about fishing.”
“And by the looks of it, neither do you, shithead,” I yelled back at him.
“No time for fishin’ today, boys.” Quint exited the cockpit and went to the gunwale on the starboard side of the boat where Briggs stood. “Reel ‘em in. Besides, what sort of dumbass brings fly fishing lure in saltwater.” He stepped around Briggs and grabbed some rope.
“See,” I yelled down at them. “A real fisherman says you two lame brains don’t know shit about fishing. You two are a disgrace to rednecks everywhere!”
The twins flipped me off.
“Fuck you, Johnny man,” Joe Bob said.
“Yeah, fuck you,” Briggs repeated. I chuckled at the two idiots and climbed down off the top of the cockpit and met Quint. “What’s the rope for?”
“We need to draw the Kraker out,” He uncoiled it and strung it through the pulley system on the back of the boat. “With bait.”
“What the hell does it eat?” I asked.
“We will need a volunteer,” he said, focused on getting his contraption together.
“Oh yeah,” I said and raised my eyebrow. “I got the perfect one.” I walked around port side and hollard down below. “Yo, Nancy, get up here.”
“I’m not coming up there with you assholes.” Cap said from the bottom of the steps.
“Are you still pouting about earlier?”
“No.” Cap crossed his arms and stared at the floor.
“Yes you are. Now, stop being a baby. We are going to summon the Kraker. Get up here.” I motioned at him with my hand.
Cap perked up a little. “Oh, okay.” He placed a hand on the rail and ascended the steps.
“Grab that life vest while you're at it.”
Cap paused. “Huh?”
“In the cubby,” I pointed. Cap looked to his right and saw the vest. He grabbed it and came up. “Why do I need this?”
“Why not? It’s a boat, dummy. Safety first.” I hacked then spat off the back of the boat.
Cap gave me a funny look. “No one else is wearing one.” Quint came over to us and patted Cap on the back. “Thanks for volunteering. You’re a brave man.”
Cap blinked his eyes really fast and his jaw dropped. “Wha...I…” He looked at me. “I didn’t volunteer for anything.”
“Yes you did,” I told him. “You are putting on that life jacket and see that hook and pulley system on the back?” I pointed with my thumb over my shoulder. “We are attaching you to that and you are gonna be bait for the Kraker Jack.”
Cap shook his head and waved his hands. “No. Nuh-uh. Not a chance in hell.” He took a step back. “JR, I have let you talk me into some stupid shit in the past, but I am drawing the line. Here! And now!” Cap’s eyes bulged and spittle flew from his lips as he pointed at the ground.
“Oh come on, it’s not dangerous,” I coaxed.
“You gotta be kidding me!” Cap threw his hands up.
“What?” I eyeballed Quint. “It’s not dangerous. Tell him.”
“Aye,” Quint shook his head. “Not dangerous. We will haul you back in time.”
“Dammit, JR! Why is it always me? Why can’t Joe Bob or Briggs do it?” Cap slipped on the life vest and buckled it.
“Because those two box of rocks would find a way to screw it up. Now, Cap.” I placed my hands on his shoulders. “You are my sidekick. My second in command. Now, act like it!” I shook him like a twenty five cent vibrating bed at a crack motel.
Cap’s head bobbled and he grabbed my hands. “JR, stop it, dammit! I ain’t going in!”
I paused and jerked away. “The hell you aren’t” I looked up at the twins. “Joe Bob, Briggs. Get down here. Cap is being a little bitch and he needs some help into the water.”
Cap turned around to run away and I grabbed him by the back of the life vest. “Where you, going, Sea Biscuit?”
“Let go of me!” Cap flailed his arms and glanced around. “Somebody help me!”
“Where the hell you gonna go and who the hell is gonna help you! I yanked Cap close to me and cinched a guillotine choke hold around him. By this time the twins had made it down to us.
“Joe Bob and Briggs, grab his feet,” I said.
“Dadgum damn straight,” Joe Bob said. The twins wrapped their arms around Cap’s feet and hoisted him up. We walked over to the back of the boat. I let go of the choke hold and latched on to Cap’s wrists.
“Let me go, you assholes!” Cap tried to fight us but we were too powerful for his scrawny ass.
“On the count of three, chuckle heads,” I said as we rocked Cap in unison. “One...Two...Three!” We tossed his screaming ass overboard. Cap hit the water about twenty feet out with a splash. He bobbed up and down for a second as he slapped the water with his hands and spewed it out his mouth.
“You fucking assholes,” He yelled between breaths.
“Ah shut up, human chum,” I hollard. “You are serving a purpose!”
“Quint, are these shark infested waters?” Cap asked. Quint cupped his hands around his mouth. “Aye! Saw a great white last week in this area!” Quint winked at me.
“What! What! I’m out of here!” Cap started to swim to the boat.
“Cap, you ain’t getting back in this boat till we see the Kraker Jack.” I stepped closer to the edge. “You try and mount up on here I will shitkick you in the forehead.” I glanced over my shoulder at Joe Bob and Briggs, and they were chuckling their blond heads off.
Quint grabbed the end of the rope, which had a life preserver attached to it, and threw it out to Cap. “Hold on to this,” he yelled. “We’ll use it to reel you in before the Kraker gets ya!”
“JR,” Cap said as the hooked his arms through the preserver. “If I survive this I am going to kill you in your sleep! Nice and slow!”
“Stop bitchin’ and act like bait,” I said to him. The waves began to take Cap further out. Cap turned in circles, looking around and then down at the water. He was scared shitless.
“Johnny.” Quint motioned for me. “Come here and I will show you how to work this to reel him in. I’m gonna go up high on the cockpit and keep watch.” Quint showed me how to start the engine and crank the lever to reel Cap in. He left and went up high to be our eyes. The sea was calm with a slight breeze, which carried the smell of salt water to our noses. Cap was calm but Joe Bob and Briggs would change that.
“Cap! Dadgum! Cap! Look!” Joe Bob pointed in Cap’s direction.
“What! What is it?” Cap swam in circles.
“Summabitchin’ shark fin done surfaced,” Briggs yelled. Cap flapped his arms and was trying to get his legs out of the water and onto the life preserver. “JR!” His voice was a high pitched squeal. “Reel me in! Reel me in!” Cap flipped over into the water. Joe Bob and Briggs were bent over in laughter. I got tickled myself and joined them.
I gained some composure and yelled, “there ain’t no damn shark!”
Cap stopped freaking out. “Wha...you mean…” He slammed his fist into the water. “Not funny you bastards!”
“Oh dadgum yes it is,” Joe Bob laughed. Comedy hour was interrupted by Quint’s voice booming across the ocean.
“From the depths of the sea,
I summon thee!
The gods of old,
From stories told!
A life for life,
Behold, your sacrifice!
No blood, he lacks,
Arise! Oh Kraker Jack!”
We looked up and Quint stood on top of the cockpit. He waved one hand in the air and in the other, he held an ancient book. His eyes were wide with madness and the tendons in his neck bulged. Storm clouds gathered above him glowing with flashes of lightning. The wind picked up and the sea began to roar.
It dawned on me what was going on. Cap was more than bait--he was a sacrifice. Quint was some sort of druid or cult member...or something, and he worshiped the Kraker Jack.
I had to get Cap out of that water.
“Not today, asswipe,” I yelled up at Quint. I started the motor and began to reel Cap in. “Cap! Hold on! I’m getting you the hell out of there!” I heard Cap’s faint voice over the motor but I couldn’t tell what he said. I hit the throttle and the speed picked up. I stood up and gazed out into the ocean. A massive swell in the water emerged from behind him.
“Cap, keep your eyes forward,” I yelled. The tip of something red broke the surface. It arose from the depths of the Gulf as if the water was puking up a mountain. Its sleek head emerged and its black eye was lifeless and spoke of a beast bent on destruction. Its reveal rocked the ocean and sent waves crashing our way. The boat rocked and rose and fell with the waves. Quint almost flew off the cockpit. He dropped his ancient book and it fell at my feet.
The Kraker Jack’s arms and tentacles came out of the water and whirled around its head. Then, one of them reached for Cap.
“Come on, you piece of shit! Go faster!” I shook the wooden T the pulley system was attached to. Cap was a few feet from the boat.
The tentacle was a few feet from Cap.
I sprinted to my brother and grabbed his hands. I lifted him from the water and onto the boat. The tentacle wrapped around his waist and hoisted him in the air.
“JR!” Cap reached for me.
“Cap!” I jumped and tried to grab his feet but missed them by inches. The Kraker Jack waved Cap around in the air like spoils of war. The pulley system was torn to shreds. It broke off and was dragged into the water.
Cap screamed.
Joe Bob and Briggs were frozen in fright.
Quint was just getting to his feet.
I glanced down at the book. If I didn’t think of something quick, Cap was going to be reincarnated as squid shit by the end of the day. I swiped up the book and waived it in the air.
“Hey! You Wal-Mart version of the Kraken! See what I got here!”
The Kraker’s arms and tentacles ceased swaying. It opened its beaked mouth and roared at me. The sound and wind from its scream shook the vessel.
“Bitch and moan all you want, tentacle testicles, but if you don’t put my brother down, I am going to start ripping out pages!” I opened the book and ripped out a page. I held it up in the air. “Ah, damn. This looks important.” I tossed the paper up in the air and the wind carried it off the boat and into the water.
“Aye, what are ya doin?!’” Quint scurried down the ladder.
The Kraker howled in pain.
I strutted back and forth along the stern. “Hurts, don’t it!” I ripped out another page and tossed it. The Kraker screamed again.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Give it here, Johnny!” It was Quint.
I faced him. “Touch me again and I will break your face.” Quint grabbed my collar so I kicked him in the nuts. He fell to the ground and I stomped on his face a few times, busting his nose wide open.
“I told you, assclown.” I turned my attention back to Cap and the Kraker. “Now, let my brother go!”
The Kraker waved Cap around a bit then brought him to his beak. I started ripping pages out the book faster than you can say Quatzecotal.
Then something odd happened.
A few arms from the Kraker disappeared.
“What in the ass?” I tilted my head and raised my eyebrow.
“JR, keep at it! The Kraker and the book are linked,” Cap yelled.
“Yeah, numbnuts. I kinda figured that out.” I ripped out pages by the handful. More limbs vanished, including the tentacle holding Cap. Cap dropped into the water and swam like hell to the boat. I watched the Kraker start to become an invalid amputee. I tore and tore until the Kraker only had one arm left.
It had grown docile and just about all the fight was out of him. Then, I had a better idea. I threw the book to the side and bent over. I grabbed Quint by the hair and lifted him to his feet.
“Now, oh brave captain. Your ass is going overboard. You tried to feed my brother to that gigantic asshole? Well, now, you are going to get eaten by that gigantic piece of sushi.” Quint tried to fight but he was still woozy from me stomping his face. I gripped him by the back of the shirt and pants. “Man overboard,” I yelled then tossed him into the ocean. I eased to the edge of the stern and cupped my hands around my mouth. “Hey, Kraker Jack! Here’s your prize! Thanks for playing!”
Just then, Cap arrived at the boat. “That was fast,” I said. “Didn’t know you were such a good swimmer.”
“Shut up,” Cap gave rapid breaths. “And help me into the damn boat.” I reached down and helped him up. Just then, the last, lone arm of the Kraker wrapped around Quint.
Quint was wide awake now.
“No! Johnny! What have you done. I--” The Kraker yanked him away with a vengeance.
Quint was now the one being waved around in the air. The Kraker opened its beak and brought Quint into striking distance. It bit down, taking Quint’s torso off. We watched as a blood rainbow filled the sky. Quint’s innards plopped out and splashed into the sea. Then, the Kraker gulped down the rest of him.
“Well, kiddos. Let that be a lesson to you.” I adjusted the waist of my pants. “Evil never wins, especially when it is dealing with the likes of Johnny Walker Ranger.”
“Is it dadgum over?” Joe Bob asked. He covered his face with his hands.
I rolled my neck. “Yes, you wimp.”
“Dadgum good.” Joe Bob dropped his hands. “Johnny man, that was the biggest summabithin’ thing I ever seen.”
“Yeah, summabitchin’ huge,” Briggs said.
“Well,” I said and headed up to the cockpit. “It’s gone now.” I cranked the engine of the ship. “All right, how about we get the hell out of this water. Cap, bring me some beer.”
“Okay, I could use some too.” Cap walked over to the ice chest and grabbed an arm full of beer. He set the beer on the floor of the cockpit then climbed up and stood next to me. He grabbed a beer and then handed one to me. I popped it open and took a swig then sighed. “This is gonna make one hell of a story, Cap.”
And that, boys and girls, was my real life encounter with the Kraker Jack. Until next time, this is Johnny Walker Ranger signing off. Oh, and if you don’t believe my story, you can kiss my ass.
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