COVID-19: Bat Soup
Elliot and Mitchell were two best friends, the duo were inseparable since their youth. Flaunting social distancing protocols, the two were hunkered down in Elliot’s mother’s basement smoking copious amounts of high grade marijuana while they explored the dark corners of COVID-19 conspiracy theories including that the virus was caused by people eating…
BAT SOUP
“Look bro, they only released the virus so they could stick us with a vaccine,” Elliot said confidently as he took a puff from a large joint, “Bill Gates wants to use it to sterilize us man, he wants to keep the population under control so his robot hordes can take over the earth, look it up.”
“Man, it’s not a microphone...puff puff pass bro,” Mitchell didn’t mind listening to the conspiracy theories all day, the joint hoarding was another story, “doesn’t matter anyways bro, climate change is the REAL problem. This whole city is gonna sink into the ocean in like, 10 years or something.”
“Man that’s some liberal bullshit you’re talking bro,” Elliot had caught the MAGA bug and everything was liberal bullshit, “you don’t really believe that shit, do you?”
“You know what I think..” Mitchell said while holding in an inhale as he tamped out the hots of the joint in the nearby overflowing ashtray,. “...I think it’s Vampires bro.”
Elliot roared with laughter at the idea of fantasy undead being the cause of the global pandemic.
“No think about it,” Mitchell said as he exhaled the weed smoke and slouched back on the old musty couch, “remember the beginning where they said that it came from bats? What else comes from bats bro? Vampirism! And if you think about it really, the virus transmits really easily and supposedly all kinds of people have it, but have you met anyone who has it? I haven’t. They say the hospitals are overwhelmed but there are all those videos on YouTube where the hospitals are basically empty, maybe, just maybe bro the reasons why the hospitals looked empty was because they had the vampires hidden in a basement or something, hospitals have a lot of fucking windows man, think about it…”
This was some good weed.
“And remember what fucking Trump said; “UV Light, we have to get UV light into the body”. Vampires hate UV light bro.” He was on a roll, deep in thought spewing what ever random THC laden thought that came to the forefront of his mind, “Like, I was listening to Joe Rogan’s podcast and there was this doctor chick on who was saying that a majority of people who have COVID are Vitamin-D deficient. Vitamin D comes from the sun, the sun kills vampires, it’s only logical if you think about it. All this other bullshit about a disease escaping from the lab was a smoke screen to hide away the truth but someone in the government was able to get a little nugget of the truth about bats out so that free thinkers like us could connect those fucking dots man and prove that it’s fucking vampires!”
“You know what I think bro?” Elliot said as he tapped on Mitchell’s leg trying to get him to sit up and pay attention.
“I think it’s something in the weed!” Elliot said as he grinned showing a mouth filled with long white incisors, like a vampire.
Mitchell panicked, his worst fear came true! COVID was vampires and his best friend was one! His marijuana induced paranoia sent his fight or flight mechanism into overdrive and he kicked out frantically at his best friend Elliot, landing a blow that knocked him over the small wooden coffee table next to the couch. He watched as his friend from childhood’s head smacked the cold, hard concrete with a sickening thud.
Mitchell jumped to his feet, his breathing out of control and his whole body drenched in sweat as his best friend lay on the ground looking up at him, a small pool of dark red blood was growing beneath his head.
“Mitch…” Elliot mumbled as he reached his hand upwards, flashing those pearl white incisors.
At first Mitchell stumbled backwards in fear but then a thought hit him like a ton of bricks, “WOOD!” He reached over to his side and crudely snapped off the leg of the coffee table. Jumping on top of Elliot he began to strike, the makeshift stake stabbing in and out of his friend’s chest. Over and over again he attacked, blood splatter covering his arms and face until finally the stake broke through completely. Elliot’s chest caved in, flesh and bone swirling together in a mix of blood and gore.
When Elliot’s body stopped twitching, Mitchell stood over him, his chest heaving as he fought to catch his breath. He stared down at the body at his feet, the body of his best friend - the only kid that showed up to his ninth birthday party. The only kid who welcomed Mitchell as the new kid in school. He watched as the last glint of life left Elliot’s eyes.
Elliot’s head lolled to the side as a set of plastic Halloween Vampire costume teeth fell out onto the floor, drool mixing with the puddle of blood that grew beneath his body.
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