Lousy Lottery 14: Shark Exorcist
Welcome, friends, to the Lousy Lottery! Here’s how it works. First, I post four movies to a poll on Twitter. Fans vote to pick which movie to make me watch that week. I watch it, review it and spread the word about an amazingly awful, terribly terrific b-horror flick.
This is week 14! Your pick for this week is 2015’s incredibly named Shark Exorcist. Whoa buddy! I’m half tempted to just stop there. Look, if you hear the movie you’re about to watch is called Shark Exorcist, you’re either in or you’re out. It’s just that kind of movie. They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but I think you’re pretty safe here doing so. It’s exactly what it seems like.
The plot is, well, confusing and basic. It starts with a demonic nun summoning Satan to a small town. Satan arrives by possessing a shark and a young woman. Why is this nun demonic? What does she have against this town? Why does Satan take possession of two different species of creatures? Look, I don’t need your questions, okay? I have no answers. Alright, there, I said it! Regardless, our demonic nun with far too little screen time, summons the dark lord while near a beach. So, Satan takes possession of a sunbather and a shark in the bay. Immediately both turn into ravenous monsters. Big fake sharp teeth and glowing shark eyes a plenty.
For some reason the nun stabs a lady to death who questions her and her motives. So, I guess, consider yourself lucky I’m so forgiving of those questions? Then, for really no explainable reason, the movie skips ahead 12 months in time. With no explanation, it seems the shark and the demon sunbather have been laying low. Were they gaining power like a dormant vampire? Were they plotting and waiting for the right moment? Again, no clue.
Anyway, 12 months later we find some teens have gone to the lake for a swim. Oh, sorry, did I not mention the shark is in a lake? How silly of me. Yes, somehow this is a freshwater shark, I guess. Well, four teens go into the lake and they get they ass ate. One survives and heads to the hospital. The medical staff is shocked that she seems to miraculously heal, but is, well, sort of off. She leaves, still in a bikini, with a new set of razor sharp chompers and not a single scar.
All this weirdness has attracted the usual suspects. Two different paranormal investigators, who are for some reason rivals, arrive, as does a priest. Each starts trying to commune with the spirits in their own way. Meanwhile, some local sorority has an initiation ritual of taking a dip in that lake. Spoiler alert, they dead. Blah, blah, blah, there are more attacks and the paranormal investigators and priest team up to defeat the foe. Then, they do.
I love Troma movies. It’s true. Part of what makes them so fun to watch is that they don’t take themselves seriously at all! They know they don’t have the budget to make Avatar. They know they don’t have access to A-list actors. What they have, though, is an enthusiasm for storytelling and a ‘let’s have a blast’ approach to production. What you get is not necessarily a well made flick, but one you’re going to have fun watching. What is this, an ad for Troma? No, I’m actually making a point.
What Troma’s terrible movies have, this one lacks. It too has terrible production value, horrid acting and silly plots, but unlike Troma, it’s no fun at all. It seems to think it’s a serious, Oscar contender style movie, but it just isn’t. This just shouldn’t be the case. No one is going into a theater to see Shark Exorcist expecting it to be The English Patient. They’re going in to laugh, see some gore and have a blast. That’s it. Rather than embrace that, though, they shoot for the moon and miss big time.
I am a huge fan of singular visions in film. I love seeing movies where the writer, producer and director are all the same person. It means that there was little mucking about by suits and the original vision is what made it to the screen. The risk, though, lies in movies where the vision is not great from the start. If the seed is rotten, the fruit will be too. I was bummed that this was the case with Shark Exorcist because the writer director, Donald Farmer, should know better. How does the director of two different movies called Cannibal Hookers not know movies like this should be roller coasters of fun and blood and not serious dramas? I’m not sure, but I was sure hoping for a fun ride.
I’m circling back to the beginning. If you weren’t down from the starting blocks on this movie, it’s not for you. The acting, the writing, the production, it’s all awful. That would be totally fine by me if it was also fun, but it’s not. In the end, is it worth a go? Meh, depends on how intoxicated you are, I suppose. If you have a hankering for some Shark Exorcist, check it out on Prime and tell me what you think.
Don’t forget to see what’s coming next in the Lousy Lottery. Make sure you tune into Twitter later today and vote for Lousy Lottery 15! My handle is @MrJosh79, look for it and don’t forget to vote!
Don’t want to miss anything on the site? Sign up for our newsletter HERE
Want more lousy lottery? Just search below:
