Tales from the Trailer Episode 3: Creature from the Can of Beans
Tales from the Trailer
Season 1 Episode 3
Creature from the Can of Beans
By Bud Fugate
Cue the song Blind by Korn.
You, know, if you idiots would actually listen to the song Blind by Korn as you read the intro it would have the effect I’m going for. But y’all won’t because y’all are lazy asses.
Anyway, welcome to another episode of Tales from the Trailer. As always, I’m your bad ass host, Johnny Walker Ranger. Get your drinks and come gather round for a tale about tails. Yeah, you heard me. Lots of ass references in this one. Our flatulent feature was written by Butt Fugate (I just made that up). Butt is probably the worst writer for Horror Bound, but I will give him this. His main character in this story is Zeke, and Zeke gets what he deserves. And speaking of Zekes, I was wrong about Butt. Zeke Kincaid is actually the worst writer for Horror Bound. In fact, that asshole stole my story and has his name on my book. So, just because of that, this tale gets two thumbs up for me.
Now, sit back, relax, and fart…
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“Would you get your fat ass out the way of the TV? Can’t see shit”
It was cramped in the small single-wide trailer. The home was nestled in a quiet mountain holler town in Baptist Valley, Virginia where the entire McGillis clan had gathered together to watch the Daytona 500. The trailer belonged to Luther and Mitzi McGillis. Their four kids from three separate marriages also lived with them and were making all kinds of ruckus from the back bedroom. Granny McGillis lived with the young family and was sitting on her ragged, dark red rocking sofa chair. It was stained brown on the arms from years of abuse and was littered with cigarette burns. Also living in the trailer was Granny’s nephew, Zeke, who was still standing in front of the TV monkeying with the antenna as the race was about to start.
“It ain’t your pecker, boy, leave it alone,” Granny said with a chuckle as she pulled a long, slim cigarette out of a faux leather pouch she kept stuffed in the cushion of her old rocking chair.
“Can it, Granny, I wanna see Darrel Waltrip beat yer boy Petty in high qual-it-eee.” He continued to play with the antenna until he had removed as much static as possible.
Luther and Mitzi’s had the best reception and on a big race day, you could bet your bottom dollar that everybody and their brother would be over to watch. There were the twins; Bo and Cephus, their girlfriends; Vikki and Nikki, who were crammed together on a small couch in front of the TV. Bo’s 11 year old son Wesley was there too. He felt he was too old to play with the little kids. Tommy and Vanda were over with their three little girls, who were busy with Granny’s dog, Cupcake, braiding and putting little plastic barrettes in her hair.
“Voila! It’s perfect!” Zeke exclaimed triumphantly with arms outstretched as he backed away from the TV. He had placed the rabbit ear antenna in the perfect position to obtain the clearest possible picture just in time for the green flag to start the race.
The tiny trailer erupted into applause as the race started and everyone’s focus went to the small television in the corner of the room.
Zeke made his way into the kitchen, maneuvering past bodies, dogs and little girls to start rummaging through the cupboards looking for something to eat. Finally he made his way back to the living room where he plopped down on the floor right in front of the couch where he sat criss cross applesauce as the race unfolded on the TV in front of him.
“Ew, that stinks!” Wesley said plugging his nose “What are you eating Zeke? It smells like poop!”
“Oh just same baked beans...Furt...Furtzier?” He struggled to pronounce the strange brand name on the can that he crudely ate out of with a fork “Smells bad, but it tastes so good! Want a bit-”
“Where’d you get those beans?” Granny shouted as she rocked forward quickly in her rocking chair. “What you say they were? Furtzier? Were those in the cupboard above the dishes?”
“Granny, granny, calm down! It’s just a can of beans…” Zeke tried to reason with the frantic old woman to no avail, she was in hysterics.
“No Zeke! It ain't just some can of beans!” Granny was now on her feet, the only time she ever stood up was to go to and from her favorite chair, so this was serious “Your granddaddy brought those beans home from the war, they weren’t meant to be eaten by some lummox like you. I swear, one of these days I’m going to put my foot up your ass!”
Granny stormed off towards the back of the trailer and slammed her bedroom door shut.
That night, Granny overheard Zeke moaning and groaning as he ripped ass. She lay in bed with a smirk on her face. Serving him right she thought, that’s what he gets for eating Grandaddy’s beans.
The next morning Granny woke up at the crack of noon and began her daily routine, sitting in her chair, watching her stories, smoking her cigarettes with Cupcake on her lap. She was barely halfway through her first cigarette of the morning when she caught a whiff of a putrid smell.
“Goddamn Cupcake! What you been eating girl?” Granny questioned the small dog that still had braided hair but then she heard the thunderous clap of butt cheeks clapping together and a gurgle of stomach acids from across the room. She turned her head to see Zeke doubled over gripping his guts, his face pale and covered in a cold sweat. Granny chuckled at his plight “Oooh, I see who's playing the butt trumpet. What’s a matter Zeke? Them 40 year old Nazi beans got you burpin’ out the bakdoor? Serves you right you dumb sonofabitch.”
Granny chuckled as Zeke limped over and plopped down on the couch next to her and started cuttin’ more cheese than a fancy French Fromagier. The malodour caused cupcake to whine and leap from Granny’s lap, run down the hallway and hide in the back bedroom. The smell finally hit Granny and made her go stiff, dropping her cigarette onto the arm of her chair, burning another hole in the dilapidated old chair.
“Goddamn boy, smell like something died up there.” Granny said scrunching her face and pinching her nose.
“Help me...Granny,” Zeke said as he writhed in pain, clutching his guts as his stomach continued to gurgle and the duck in his back pocket continued to quack. He was in so much pain the words barely came out of his mouth, “it...it’s been...it’s been talking…”
“Yeah, I know boy. I heard it talking all night.” Granny’s tone changed from mocking to concern as she tapped out her cigarette, grabbed her purse from the side of the crusty old chair and stood to her feet. “Can’t just let my only nephew suffer, even if it serves him right. You just lay still boy, take a nap and I’ll run to the store and make you my world famous banana pudding. That oughta settle your stomach, my momma always made it for me and your daddy when the old sphincter siren was sounding.”
She walked over and gently patted him on the head before collecting her keys that hung on a hook by the side of the door, lighting a cigarette and heading out to get the ingredients from the store.
By the time Granny returned home it was damn near nightfall. When Granny left the house it was never just a quick stop to where she needed to go. Before she went to the grocery store for banana pudding, she went to her sister Cathy’s house where the two sat on the front porch gossiping about the family and smoking cigarettes. She stopped at the pet store and picked up a new pink collar with sparkling gems for Cupcake. After all that she finally went to the grocers but was held up in aisle 7 where she talked with Judith from church until both of their feet began to hurt from standing in one spot for so long.
When she pulled up to the single wide she was shocked that Luther and Mitzi’s children weren’t outside playing in the yard, they were usually out all day. She slowly and unsteadily got out of the rusty old car, collected her grocery bags and made her way up the stairs and onto the porch. At the top of the steps she set down her bags and took a final drag from her cigarette before flicking it into the distance before stepping into the house.
As she walked through the door, something was off. The tiny trailer was quiet, with seven people living together the place was usually filled with all sorts of noise, but today it was silent. The only noise came from the TV in the living room that was receiving only static and an occasional voice that sounded like a robot speaking. She continued into the house closing the door behind her as she took the groceries into the kitchen and set them on the table. She glanced down the hallway and that’s where she saw Mitzi laying face down.
As fast as the old woman could she made her way towards Mitzi’s lifeless body, putting her hand on her neck, feeling for a pulse which wasn’t there. What happened here, she wondered as she looked around in confusion, tears welling up in her eyes. She opened her mouth to cry out and that’s when she heard struggling coming from the bathroom further down the hall and a yelping whine from her sweet Cupcake. She reached into her purse that was still slung around her shoulder and pulled out the little pocket pistol she always carried “...in case a motherfucker would.”
Gripping the tiny gun tightly she inched towards the cracked open bathroom door, the light from the vanity blinked on and off. As she crept closer she heard the gurgling of stomach acid, Zeke’s quiet groaning and a panicked whimper from Cupcake. “Sonofabitch…” she whispered, Zeke must have killed Mitzi and now he was trying to kill her dog and she wasn’t having any of it. She mustered her courage, gripped the pistol tight and quickly pushed in the door, pointing it at Zeke who she was shocked to see standing naked in the bathtub, crying with the little dog shoved halfway up his ass.
“Granny! Help me!” He cried out as tears streamed down his cheek. Granny’s hands trembled at the confusing sight, her mouth wide open in shock. “It killed Mitzi and Luther and now it’s trying to eat cupcake! Help me granny please?”
It? What on earth was he talking about, Granny wondered and that’s when she noticed the extra pair of hands reaching out of Zeke’s ass, holding onto the dog.
“Wha...what the hell is that boy?” Granny screamed as she directed her shaky aim from Zeke’s head to his posterior.
“The beans! It was something in the beans!” Zeke began to scream in pain as the little dog went further and further up his ass, “I told you it was talking Granny! Shoot it!”
“I...I...I’ll hurt you…”
“Please Granny! It hurts! It hurts!”
“Nooo! I…I can’t!”
“Do it Granny! Do it”
BANG
One shot fired and the chaos stopped for the duration of a breath. On Granny’s next exhale, the room exploded with noise. Zeke was screaming as blood leaked from his buttcheek, the dog yelped and barked as it fell out of Zeke’s ass and into the tub but the loudest noise of all came from Zeke’s ass. A monstrous roar was unleashed from between his cheeks accompanied by a putrid smell. Zeke began to convulse as his eyes rolled back in his head and he began to foam at the mouth. Granny began to cry at the horrifying sight.
Zeke collapsed in the tub and Granny dropped to her knees on the cool tile floor. Cupcake leapt from the tub and rushed to Granny’s side where she began to lick her hands to comfort her. Granny let the gun slowly slip out of her hand as she reached over to pet the dog, now sobbing heavily but the somber moment was cut short as Zeke’s body began to move in the tub. He started to rise up from the tub, ass first, his head dragging on the ground as his legs stood upright. From his asshole emerged the gnarled three fingered hands which once held Cupcake tightly, then the voice began to speak.
“Oh sweet Granny,” the breathy voice spoke from Zeke’s asshole, accompanied by a putrid smell, “You're a tasty morsel aren't you? Come here Granny, let me taste you.”
Zeke, being pulled ass first by the creature breathing out of his ass lunged at Granny ass first, reaching with the three fingered hands and chomping with the toothless anus turned mouth. Granny crawled backwards away from the creature but soon found it on top of her, the hand clutched around the collar of her shirt, the mouth dripping puss and fecal matter as it neared closer to her, breathing noxious fumes as it chomped its mouth open and closed.
Granny kicked and flailed, knocking the creature off balance just enough to crawl out of the bathroom and into the hallway where Mitzi’s lifeless corpse still lay. Zeke’s hunched over body controlled by the creature from the can of beans breathing out of his ass rushed after her. As it began to exit the bathroom it was stopped abruptly, Zeke, having regained consciousness grabbed onto the door jam tightly, stopping his legs from pulling him forward onto Granny.
“Run Granny!” Zeke shouted as he struggled to hold onto the door jam as his legs continued to drive forward, “get out of here! Don’t let my ass eat you!”
Granny continued to crawl backwards over Mitzi’s body but the creature continued to pull forward. The hand coming out of Zeke’s ass grabbed her ankle with a tight grip, Granny screamed as she continued to kick. The hand pulled her closer and started putting her foot up Zeke’s ass. His grip slipping, Zeke knew he had to do something drastic and that’s when he noticed Granny’s pocket pistol still sitting on the bathroom floor. He released his grip from the door frame and grabbed the pistol and put it towards his head.
“Granny, I love you!” He screamed with tears in his eyes as he pulled the trigger. His body collapsed on the floor. The creature in his ass released its grip from Granny’s foot. Relieved, Granny fell backward and began to cry. She tried to catch her breath but her chest grew tight, she clutched her at it tightly as her breath grew shorter and shorter. The panic and terror of a monster trying to eat her caused cardiac arrest and she died right there in the hallway shortly after…
Although she died, she had fulfilled her life long promise to Zeke...to put her foot up his ass.
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Now, this was my kind of story. A trailer, white trash, and a monster out of the ass. Granny is a mean old bitch and makes the perfect hero for this redneck tail (see what I did there). And Zeke? He is an idiot. He reminds me of the real life Zeke who writes for Horror Bound. I could see his dumb ass self doing something like that.
So, boys and girls, I hope you enjoyed this story by the butt obsessed Butt Fugate. Until next time, stay away from the damn beans.
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