Lousy Lottery 32: Jaws: The Revenge, This Time it's Personal
Welcome, friends, to the Lousy Lottery! Here’s how it works. First, I post four movies to a poll on Twitter. Fans vote to pick which movie to make me watch that week. I watch it, review it and spread the word about an amazingly awful, terribly terrific b-horror flick.
This is week 32! This week we escape the winter blues and head to the tropics with 1987’s Jaws: the Revenge! But first, let’s talk plot.
Our story begins in the New England town of Amity. It seems somehow Chief Brody has died, but his youngest son has taken over the mantel of police chief. There’s a town celebration going on, but the son doesn’t get to enjoy it because he’s called out to dislodge a pole from a buoy. While doing so, he comes too late to the conclusion that it’s a trap. A trap seemingly set by a great white shark? I mean, even the title tells you this is about ‘jaws’ getting revenge, but who is this shark? How the hell did it manage to set a trap? How did it know that sticking a pole through a buoy would somehow lure one of the Brody’s out to the water? Why does this particular shark even give a shit about the Brody’s? Well, if you’re looking for reasonable explanations or, hell, any explanation at all, you’ve come to the wrong flick.
For reasons we never learn and in ways that seem wholly impossible, this particular shark is out for revenge against the Brody family and claims its first victim in the very first scene. Oh, man, one scene in and already there’s shark murder? This is going to be such a gorefest! Whoa, settle down there, Jimmy, actually pretty much no one else dies from the shark in the entire rest of the film. So, just cool your jets, though I like where you’re head’s at. The death of the youngest Brody prompts the rest to flee Amity and what better place to avoid sharks than an island?!
Someone tells them there are no great white’s in the Bahamas because they don’t like the warm water and, boom, they’re sold! The Brody’s are going to the Bahamas! Mike Brody is a marine biologist. No, he doesn’t study sharks, that’d be far too useful and reasonable of a plot point. No, he studies conchs, which I think is supposed to be used as the reason why they chose the Bahamas? His wife is an artist, so I guess that’s transferable anywhere. While Mike and his research partner Jake study and tag conchs in surely shark-free waters, a great white shows up. What, did they make it like one day?!
It seems this shark wants Mike’s blood specifically, but why? Like, why would this specific shark even know who the Brody’s are? What’s more, how the actual fuck did a shark swim all the way from New England to the Caribbean in like three days?! Again, stop asking questions! Somehow the shark is there and for some reason it wants to kill the Brody’s. Likewise, Mike warns his family immediately and takes precautions, right? Of course not. He continues about his incredibly important work of conch tagging and tells no one. To absolutely no one’s surprise, the shark attacks again and also tries to take out the granddaughter of the family.
Now that the cat’s out of the bag, they turn to the task of killing the shark. Okay, fine, most of them don’t do anything and the mom of the family steals a boat like a boss and goes after the damn shark. Fuck you, Mike! Does she succeed? Does this shockingly intelligent shark take out the whole family? I guess you’re just going to have to whip out your giant shoulder pads, pour yourself a cold Bahamas Mama and find out for yourself.
Is this movie good? No. Is the plot ridiculous? God yes. Is the acting good? No, no it’s not. Look, it’s not a good movie. The creature effects are incredibly lousy, even compared to the original that came out years before. The tank work is so obvious it’s eye roll inducing. When Roy Schneider was asked to reprise his role as Chief Brody, he read the script and said “not even Satan himself” could make him do the movie. When Michael Caine, who won an Oscar that same year, was asked why he did the film, he said “I’ve never seen it, but by all accounts it’s terrible; however, I have seen the house it built and it’s terrific.” Roger Ebert gave it 0 stars.
So, if all that is true, damnit, why do I love it so much? I love how natural the Bahamian locals are. I love that they cast Blaxploitation icon Melvin van Peebles as a deckhand who basically got paid just to chill on the boat and dip his legs in the ocean. The side story of Mike Brody being a marine biologist was shot surprisingly well. I want those goddamn mini-subs they use. The relationship between Mike and Jake was a lot of fun. It’s a hot mess, but somehow it just works for some reason. It’s like giving a monkey a paint brush and while what the monkey paints isn’t full of great technique or anything it somehow still turns out beautiful.
I do love all things ocean and I have never found a limit to my love of Michael Caine and those things may have something to do with it. This movie does take itself a bit too seriously at times and some of the changes in tone can be downright jarring. Still, overall, it just comes together into this weird cacophony that is oddly alluring. Plus, I do have a confession to make. I adore Judith Barsi. Barsi, her life and her horrid death are one of the first rabbit holes of obsession I’ve gone down. But she’s a little girl who was in, like, three movies, you say. Well, you’ve got a point, but hear me out.
Judith Barsi played this character, which I loved when 8-year-old me saw this movie the first time. Sure, but it wasn’t until years later that I learned she also played two roles in two quintessential Don Bluth films that had a true and deep impact on me, two roles that still replenish my soul to this day. They are the roles of Ducky in The Land Before Time and Anne-Marie in All Dogs go to Heaven. Don Bluth is a source of life for me and always has been, but her performances in those movies were tops. In the early ‘00s I was living in Los Angeles when I figured out that all three were the same actor, so naturally I wanted to find out what she’d been in lately, wanted to see more.
It was then I learned that not long after making Jaws: The Revenge, before the Bluth films were even released, she was cruelly murdered. I mean, there’s no nice way to be murdered, but her death was horrific. It seems her parents were immigrants from the Eastern Block and her father was a deeply disturbed alcoholic. One day he burned the whole family to death and then shot himself. So, I was shocked to learn this little girl who had blessed my life for years had her life tragically cut short in the worst way imaginable. Then I learned her family was so poor they were in unmarked graves and I couldn’t handle it. I started working with other people and another group to get Judith a grave. We succeeded and her story became part of what started me getting into both the more involved or activist side of fandom, as well as began my obsession with true crime. I’m still very in love with activist fandom like this and am a criminal defense lawyer, so, you see what I mean?
Okay, oversharing time is over. The long story short is this. You get Michael Caine at his most laissez-faire, you get Marion van Peebles doing a truly awful Bahamian accent, some sweet shark kills, great Bahamas sunshine and you get to see one of the very few live action performances from Ms. Barsi. What more could you want? It’s a terribly made movie that is unlike any others. The mere fact that it’s a sequel to a Spielberg movie is bizarre enough to get me interested, that’s for sure. It has just about everything a b-movie fan could want and since they cut an entire drug running storyline from the movie it has like an 80 minute runtime. Check it out, for sure. It is currently streaming on HBO Max.
Also, don’t forget to see what’s coming next in the Lousy Lottery. Make sure you tune into Twitter later today and vote for Lousy Lottery 33! My handle is @MrJosh79, look for it and don’t forget to vote!
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