B-Movie Blockbusters: Beaks
Have you ever wondered what the classic movie The Birds would have been like if it was a foreign film from the 1980’s? There is no need to think on it anymore! If you haven't experienced the absolute mayhem of Beaks, let me tell you what you are missing out on.
The movie starts us off with a news team working a report on some great marksman showing off his ability to shoot pigeons blindfolded. This appears to be the final straw for the global bird collective, as they begin to make their move in their defense.
As birds begin attacking more and more people, the news team is able to start investigating what to them is a strange but small occurrence. However, its soon becomes clear this is not just a bunch of isolated incidents.
An older trophy hunter has his eye straight up stolen from his skull by a hawk. Despite the brutal attack, this man survives, and becomes also aware of the birds now soaring in their skies of malice all around.
From here, the bird attacks just start to get more frequent. With a solid fill of ‘80s flair, we get some pretty gruesome kills. Also, it appears that on set the main play was to just have tons of birds fan blown into the actors in scenes. Not sure that would fly today. Fuck, sorry for that dad joke, but I had too.
As the reporters figure out the attacks are just getting worse, they try to get city officials to evacuate. This leads to the most generic sense of mild alarm I may have ever seen on film. The mayor and police know something is up, but kinda say "evacuations are hard" and shrug. The news reporters try to get everyone in the town into one train and out of the city. The logistics of it seem daunting but since it's an ‘80s horror flick it really takes little effort.
Lets refocus the story here back to the man with one eye, or as he became know to me, pirate grandpa. Pirate grandpa, now rocking a super sweet eye patch, gets a call from his daughter saying they are going to have a birthday party for his grand kid at this large mountain, located right in the epicenter of circling bird territory. Grandpa is reluctant, but as this is a true dash of realism in the film, cannot say no to making his grandkid happy.
Amidst this, we get some other crazy happenings, involving a bloodstained beach full of bird attack victims. But by far, the part here that lingers with me the most is a certain hang gliding sequence. A man and a woman go out to hang glide in what is now hostile skies. Their fashion for the hang glide is straight out of some hip trendsetting ‘80s magazine, the cherry on top is the dude's mirrored shades. Boss as fuck. Or so it would seem until they get airborne. We get not just an aerial double eye gouge, but the attacking hawk also steals the dudes shades and flies off with them. Nothing says "killer swag" like removing someone's eyes and sporting their shades.
After the dude tumbles to the ground, the woman follows to the ground and is attacked. She decides to run 15 feet one, way, then 15 feet back before using the metal frame of the hang glider to impale the attacking bird, and then beat it with her helmet an uncomfortable amount of times. This entire sequence alone is worth the watch.
We reach our climax, which involves the overstuffed train being stopped by goats and then attacked by birds. Not much to say there, its a rural area I guess so its commonplace. The real action is at Pirate Grandpa's.
In a completely unseen turn of events, the birds attack the outdoor party at Pirate Grandpa's. The kids are besieged by claws and birds, and are shuffled into the house. Pirate Grandpa tries to go back for a survivor, but he suffers a heart attack. When it rains it pours.
The end is full of several more bird attacks, and then, just like the The Birds, it just kinda stops. Humanity is left to ponder on the moments asking themselves serious questions. Questions like "What the fucking hell just happened? Was that like a shit ton of birds just going ballistic?"
Yes. Yes it was.
