Cooties - Spine Chilling Children and Chicken Nuggets
This month’s theme for us Horror Bound writers is Spine Chilling Children. My first thought was to write about my own two kids (especially my little 1 ½ year old. The menace in her eyes is unnerving), but after further thought and a stern talking to from my wife I decided to revisit the horror comedy, Cooties instead. For those of you who haven’t seen it, Cooties is a movie about elementary school teachers who become entrapped inside an elementary school where they have to fight for their lives against flesh eating children. The children became infected with a virus that was born out of a contaminated (and green oozing) chicken nugget that was manufactured in their hometown of Fort Chicken.
This was a movie I was really excited to revisit. I had last seen this right after it came out in 2014 and remembered it being an absolute blast, but didn’t remember much beyond that. It didn’t take long to realize that my second viewing was going to be just as fun.
The movie starts with a little girl named Shelley who eats a contaminated chicken nugget (green goo and all) becoming the first child to be infected. She ends up in Mr. Hadson’s (Elijah Wood) class where she is being picked on by a boy who decides to pull one of her pigtails. Instead of her hair just being pulled, the whole thing is ripped off her head, scalp and all. Shelley doesn’t take too kindly to this and decides to bite him in the face, tearing a chunk of his cheek off and infecting the boy. From here the virus is eventually spread to almost all of the children in the school who are then hell bent to hunt down the remaining teachers.
The cast of characters that is left to fend for their lives is what makes this movie such a treat. As mentioned before Elijah Wood plays Clint Hadson who is an aspiring writer who took a substitute teaching gig just to get close to a girl he had grown up with named Lucy (Alison Pill). Little does he know that Lucy is actually dating P.E. teacher Wade (Rainn Wilson) who was very good at sports in his day and doesn’t mind reminding anyone about it whether they asked or not. Rounding out the stranded teachers is the socially awkward Doug (Leigh Whannell), the rape alarm wearing Rebekkah (Nasim Pedrad), and the always freaking out Tracy (Jack Mcbrayer).
There were points during this movie where I was just laughing non-stop. Whether it was Wade trying to pronounce dual rear wheel (trust me this will crack you up) or Doug slapping the living hell out of Tracy telling him to calm down well after he had already calmed down. I just couldn’t get enough. For as much humor that is present, there is just as much, if not more, gore. There is a playground scene that is filled with some gnarly practical effects, which always makes me happy to see over the sometimes overused CGI. We get to see jump rope being played with intestines, a game of tether-ball being played with a decapitated head, and a fun game of marbles that, instead of being played with marbles, is being played with human eyeballs. Oh, and a tiny baby rips his mom to shreds. Or as Joe Bob would say, “Baby-fu.”
As far as creepy children go, Cooties delivered in a big way. The flesh tearing, puss dripping, little hell terrors were present from the beginning of the movie all the way to its conclusion. Never letting up and leaving entrails in their wake, they are proof positive of the dangers that bad cafeteria food presents. If you haven’t seen Cooties I suggest you give it a try.
Now if you will excuse me, I am going to scarf down the rest of the Dino nuggets in my freezer before my kids can. Ya know, just in case.
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