Killer Raccoons! 2! Dark Christmas in the Dark - I Regret Nothing
Who knew that one day I would realize raccoons wearing Christmas elf costumes carrying raccoon size machine guns would be one of the cutest things I’ve seen in 2020.
Enter Killer Raccoons! 2! Dark Christmas in the Dark. Filmed ten years after the original film, Coons! Night of the Bandits of the Night, this sequel shows us what happens when the military decides to use raccoons to man a secret satellite. Casey (originally went by Ty Smallwood but decided to change his name to Casey Smallwood so people wouldn’t make fun of the fact that his name means small dick) is fresh out of prison where he was sent ten years ago by the Mayor for underage drinking. He gets on a train headed to Washington, D.C. only to have the train hijacked by a team of raccoons and eye-patch wearing humans who are trying to get control of the penis shaped satellite in space.
Bare with me here, we’re going on a ride.
“Looks like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew chew.”
If you haven’t seen the first movie, you’ll be totally fine. Within the first 20 minutes they’ve dumped the entire plot of the first one onto us so we’re completely up to date. And continuously remind you throughout the whole movie. Casey originally battled the raccoons ten years ago at Raccoon Creek Campground and watched his friends die. The Mayor, to cover up everything, sent Casey (the presumed only survivor) to jail and turned the campground into a secret military base, got promoted to Secretary of Defense, and trained the raccoons to go into space.
But there’s a group of terrorists (you know they’re bad guys cause they’re all wearing eye-patches) who were survivors from the original Raccoon Creek Campground who also trained raccoons and they hijack the train where two government officials are also onboard. Once this group of baddies get the “shriek codes” out of the government team, they throw them off the train, and hijack the satellite in space.
The ultimate goal? Blow up the secret bunker under the Denver Airport.
By now, I’m sure you’ve gathered that this is not a serious film. It is just an hour and a half of pure stupidity that will make you laugh a lot and remind you of the deeper meaning of Christmas.
Just kidding.
It’s just really funny.
“It seems like we’re in for a dark Christmas in the dark…”
Some stand out moments:
Raccoons wearing Christmas elf outfits.
Casey ensuring he mentions that he “just got out of prison” at least every 5 minutes.
An epic fight scene between Casey and one particular bad guy which involves them fighting with a candy cane, raccoon mug, plastic spoons, a nutcracker, and a waffle maker.
The raccoon sized machine guns that look even more hilarious when the humans try and use them.
Ranger Rick Danger, the lead bad guy.
Honestly, the biggest thing I learned from this movie is that I just feel super bad for all those raccoons. They may have been evil in the first movie, but in this one they’re just taking orders you guys. And I felt so bad any time one of them got killed – even though they are clearly just stuffed raccoon puppets. I FELT SOMETHING OKAY?!
Ultimately, this movie is not to be taken seriously – it’s here for you to have fun, have some big laughs, and forget about how terrible things are outside your window for an hour and a half.
And if they could please send me one of the raccoon puppets from the movie wearing the Christmas elf costume so I can keep him in my home forever, I would be eternally grateful.
Killer Racoons! 2! was written and directed by Travis Irvine and is currently available on digital and will be available on DVD on October 1st.
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