When Your Muse Goes on Vacation and Imposter Syndrome Kicks In - NaNoWriMo
Day 11 – November 11
2019 Word count: 16,797
What a week. How did it go? Get all of the words written? Hit all of the goals?
I asked that this entry be delayed until today because I wanted to see something. I was grossly behind on words, out of the first 10 days of the month, I wrote zero words on 3 of them. By the time Friday rolled around I was 12 thousand words behind the suggested pace and I really didn’t know if I was going to continue. Then my inner editor/critic showed up making me question everything. Is my story good enough? Will people read it? Is my writing good enough? Every self-doubting self-deprecating thought barraged me. Then my muse decided to go on a vacation and I really did not know what to do.
If you are reading this, you may be familiar with these situations. This week I would like to touch upon a few things: what to do when the words aren’t flowing and the dreaded imposter syndrome kicks in.
I had an amazing start to the month (1st day). Almost 2000 words toward the novel and a thousand-word blog post; I was in the zone. Then day 2 came along and I could only eke out under 700 words, then zero the next day. The next three days netted me only 1600 words. Total. Friday came along and I only had about 5000 words (pace was 13K). I had to dig deep to see if I wanted to continue with this. If I quit now (it wouldn’t be the first time), then I would be letting down the students I suckered – um, I mean convinced – to join and tell their stories and may have disappointed anyone who is showing up to read this. Also, I have been working on this project for a year now. It needs to be told, wants to see the light, clawing its way from my skull. So, something had to change.
And that’s what I did. I changed. There is a saying that if the words don’t come, keep your butt in the chair until they do. That doesn’t work for me. I had to change almost everything. I left my house and went to a Write-In near my house. A Write-In is where a group of WriMos get together and write. Sometimes they are held in libraries, coffee shops, etc. Now I am usually a private person when I write, and public places tend to distract me from my writing goals. But solitary writing was not working so off I went to gather with fellow authors and hopefully kick-start my writing mojo. Only, I was the only one there… I still sat down, set up my laptop and finished the scene I began three days prior; a total of 404 words. That’s it. That’s all I had. It wasn’t much, but it was 400 I didn’t have before.
Saturday dawned and I had a 10-thousand-word deficit to overcome. The public change of setting didn’t work, so I changed things at home. I changed where I usually write, from my desk to my dining room table. I changed the media I was consuming while writing. I usually have Shudder TV on for background noise and sometimes inspiration. I turned on some instrumental music that has some haunting melodies from one of the podcasts I listen to regularly.
The physical group of folks getting together didn’t pan out, so I chose to do it virtually. I clicked on @NaNoWordSprints on Twitter and just started typing. For those unfamiliar with word sprints, they are exactly what they sound like. An arbitrary time limit is set (15, 20, 30 minutes) and the goal is to write as many words as possible within that time. And in all honesty, this helped the most. It helped me set aside all of the questioning and doubt I had on my story and just write, get words on the screen. Through this, scenes that I had no idea which direction they were headed took shape; characters began to flesh out, and my muse decided to show and pull up a chair and hang out for a bit. By the end of the day, I had 5000 words written and was closer to being caught up. Sunday I rinsed and repeated, finishing near 6500 words and getting back on pace. Now I am back on track and excited about the story again. Just in time for the Muddy Middle. More on that next week.
I also utilized another technique for keeping the juices flowing between writing sessions, whether it be between sprints or from one day to another. I used to write until I finished the scene I was working on, making sure it was nice and tidy and complete. This was great for that scene, but it sometimes made it difficult to start up again after a break. Do I start chronologically, next scene in line? But what about this one I have been thinking about for a while? How do I want to start this next scene?
More times than not I sat staring at a blank screen, starting a line then hammering away on the backspace key. Over. And over. And over again. After about an hour of this, frustration usually got the better of me and I just quit. So, I started leaving in the middle of a scene. This allowed me to pick up where I left off. This helped in a few ways. First, I was excited to get back to the scene and finish it. During break times, I was able to think of possible ways the scene could finish. Sometimes, what I discovered during off times was a lot better than what I had originally planned.
Change things up, break the routine, rock the boat, whatever you have to do. Just get the words flowing. Your story is begging to be released.
Now, on to the dreaded imposter syndrome. This is the beast that lives in our basement, hides in the attic, waits under our bed until we get the spark of creativity, the inspiration from the muse, the idea that will be the next great work of art. Once that idea takes hold and we move to create it, the imposter slinks out from its vile recesses, sinks its claws into our brains and oozes its negativity into our thoughts. We all have them, and if you think “nuh-uh, not (insert person here),” well, I’m here to tell you, that person too has it.
It is our inner critic, our inner editor that tells us on a regular basis that our work is no good, that no one will want to read, watch, consume our creativity, that we should just give up. We say things about our own work that we would never consider saying to or about other people, be it friend or stranger. So how do we combat and defeat this creature of dire negativity?
First, we realize we are not alone in feeling that way. Everyone (yes, that person too) experiences this in some form. Knowing that we are not isolated in these intrusive thoughts makes it easier to combat. Next, we need to recognize it for what it is, and once recognized, remember it isn’t real. It’s the ghost or shadow person in the corner that you are positive is coming for your soul only to realize it is just a pile of clothes once the lights are turned on. Remember why you started this journey in the first place. You have an idea, a story, and that story needs to be freed. There is someone, somewhere that needs to read what you will write.
A few notes of warning. This is supposed to be the first draft of your novel, just words that will be formed into a beautiful work of art. And according to Hemmingway, Lamott, King, and others, this draft will be shit. And that is okay. It’s supposed to be. We are just getting the idea out, wheeling our marble into the studio, putting our clay on the potter’s wheel. I have yet to read a craft book from acclaimed authors, including Atwood and the aforementioned King and Lamott, where they said their first draft only needed a few edits and they were ready for publication. Your first draft will be shit.
And that leads me into my next warning that I continuously battle with. I read a lot. I love getting lost in a good book. And sometimes, in getting lost in said book, I compare my work with the author I am reading. I remember one time specifically while reading Gaimon, I put the book down after one particularly beautifully written passage, and damn near swore off writing forever believing I would never be able to write like him. And in all reality, I probably won’t.
But what I was doing at that moment was comparing my shitty-first-draft-work-in-progress to a hugely successful author’s completed, edited, and polished final product. Do not do this. Please. You will compare yourself right out of the art. If I compared the scene I literally just word vomited during a NaNo word sprint to one of the crafted scenes Tremblay wrote in A Head Full of Ghosts or my bare-bones skeletal setting to Nevill’s The Ritual’s rich environments, I would hang it up right now. While they are something to aspire to, we should not compare what we are doing during NaNoWriMo to what other authors have had time to work on with professionals. We will have time to do that in January.
So how is it going for you? Let us know at horrorboundblog@gmail.com or give me a shout over at twitter @d_lasota. What is working? What isn’t? Keep it up, keep writing words even if you find yourself 10,000 words “behind.” Any words down are good words toward your final product. We are entering a difficult time in the NaNoWriMo world, the Muddy Middle. As always, feel free to reach out with any questions or topics you would like discussed. Happy writing.
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