B-MOVIE BLOCKBUSTERS DOUBLE FEATURE SPECIAL KILLER CROCODILE AND KILLER CROCODILE II
BACK THE THE VHS BLURB:
This amazing two part series follows a mutated killer crocodile in the Caribbean (???) that attacks everyone from ecological scientists to greedy businessmen. The crocodile goes on a spree, in both films, and is pitted against Kevin, also in both films. A brutal mixture of terrible dubbing and decent creature effects fill each feature with a confusing yet violent story. Both films are sure to fill you crocodile explosion quota for the year.
So...WT did I just watch?
MOVIE: Killer Crocodile
YEAR: 1989
DIRECTOR: Fabrizio De Angelis
CAST: Richard Anthony Crenna, Sherrie Rose, Thomas More, Van Johnson ************************************************************************************
MOVIE: Killer Crocodile II
YEAR: 1990
DIRECTOR: Giannetto De Rossi
CAST: Richard Anthony Crenna, Thomas Moore, Debra Karr
B-MOVIE HIGHLIGHTS:
My God. Where do I begin? Well if you ever had an itch for an Italian crocodile horror set in the Caribbean, this will do and then some. Let me preface this with a few quick facts before we get into the swamp of details here. First, these movies were filmed back to back. The balls to film two terrible crocodile movies at once is astounding. The dialogue is dubbed, and the lines and voice acting are something out of this world. Sounding at times like a bad after school special, it really had me spitting out my drink in laughter. Lastly, the crocodile effects itself, really not bad AT ALL. The best part? We get a boat load of croc action so it's not a minor part of it either. Okay, so with that said, I will be running through both movies as one giant piece, so listen to this shit.
We get ourselves an intro kill with a lady wanting to swim and her idiot boyfriend trying to learn classical guitar. After we get our Italian crocodile version of the Jaws intro, we settle into the film. In some Caribbean resort area I guess local white guys have been up to no good, dumping toxic waste and covering up crocodile attacks. A group of young environmentalists are checking the water for toxicity levels to change the world, write a thesis, I'm not sure. After hitting a few rough spots in this Caribbean swampland, they set up camp. Sure enough their local guide gets intimate with our mutated croc, and her disappearance is enough to cause mild concern. The gang head back to the docks to get help, to find those fuddy-duddy white guys, including Judge (Van Johnson) looking like he spared no expense on these toxic crocs.
Nothing works out and eventually after finding their guide’s body, an over crowded autopsy leads to a debate on if a boat propeller might leave teeth marks. Luckily, the old loner hunter Joe (Thomas Moore) comes by to walk in on the autopsy, because why the fuck not, and immediately knows that the corpse was ravaged by a croc, much to the chagrin of the villains. After the gang figure Joe is okay because "he's not on our side, but at least he's not on their side," they come across panic on the dockside. Big boy has come around and is looking to fuck up some shit. A dock collapses, a little girl falls in, and several adults die trying to save her. One in particular is great, because the dude has his leg break through a board on the dock, and then the croc yanks his whole body through that little hole. Great, great kill.
After realizing the kids are onto their toxic cover ups, the white guys try to get the croc themselves, but that shit goes as you'd expect and our killer croc takes out them and their swamp yacht. Eventually Joe takes Kevin (Richard Anthony Crenna), our main youth, under his wing. They plan an attack, it all goes to shit, and eventually Kevin has to throw a fucking on-board propeller javelin style into the croc's mouth. It cuts away for far too long and then explodes. It explodes. And did you know crocodile guts are apparently so fucking flammable it can set a river on fire? Well it can. This is the end of the first film, where we see some croc’s eggs are left to help move the sequel forward.
Killer Crocodile II starts with Liza (Debra Karr) getting a reporting gig that sends her to report on the toxic clean up at the resort area where the croc attacks from the first film happened. She heads down there to find shit is all out of whack. More lies and cover up, but this time from the local mayor. He has been putting toxic stickers on empty barrels to give the illusion of a clean up, but Liza in on this prick like a hawk. They figure she is up to no good though, and send her off to get escorted into the island dense swamp lands to get the old fuck/kill/dump body maneuver. Well Liza is from the city and knows her way with a switchblade, so the amigo escort she had gets a fright, and falls into the water. Can you fathom what happens next? CROCODILE EATS SEXUAL PREDATOR. Now I'm rooting for the croc even more movie, thanks.
After worry arises when Liza doesn't check in, a familiar face is called in…Kevin. Back like he owns the place, and he's got backup. Joe is back too. Kevin finds Liza stranded in the swamp, and picks her up. Another encounter and they manage to escape and go to a little river shack. Liza talks about basically having a female version of a fear boner and they get it on in the sweltering heat. Gross.
Kevin and Joe try to get the croc again, and Joe fucking surfs the croc. I don't know why. Why get on the back of the croc Joe, why? Joe ends up bloodied and floating to the boat. Kevin turns him over and Joe gives him a little bit more advice before bleeding to death in a dirty river. Kevin knows what to do now, I think.
A family is riding paddle boats, and a mother is towing her son on his surfboard. In the swamp. Of a Caribbean island. At a resort. Okay. Well no better place for our final showdown. Kevin and Liza got some dynamite and swoop in to save this disastrous family outing. Kevin leaps at the croc, and begins to ride him. The croc leaps high, and as he crashes down, the shot clearly goes from an actor on a large rubber croc to an action figure of Kevin on a toy croc, splashing into the water. This is the best worst special effects I've ever seen. Unintentionally amazing. It's like any sketch about no budget for effects, but for real. I fell from the couch in an uproar. Serious.
Kevin, or the action figure wearing Kevin's clothes, manages to get the dynamite into the croc's mouth and leap away. We get the explosion footage from the first film, and the same flammable croc guts just lighting a fucking river on fire. And that is that folks.
Wow. Just wow. I cannot explain how much fun I had watching these two. From the dialogue to the croc to the explosions, it was unrelenting. If you can watch them back to back - it how it was meant to be. A true double feature of B-MOVIE BLOCKBUSTERS.
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