BARGAIN BIN BLOCKBUSTERS - Phantom Racer
Phantom Racer: A racer's ghost goes out for revenge for an accident that was 100% his own fault in his restored car when his old rival rolls into town. COUNTRY MUSIC INTENSIFIES.
So we start with what I assume must be top tier racing for this neck of the woods. Old sedans are fitted with shitty racing bumpers and wings and race on what seems to be a track for go karts, but hey, it’s the talk of the town. Two old rivals are racing for, um, I think pride? A championship? Testosterone? Look their names are JJ and Cutter, like how can you not race each other right? Anyway, these young bucks are going a solid 70 MPH around the track, and wouldn't you know it, a crash happens.
Now, let me note, that this movie had some budget constraints. But, I admire the choice they made. They opted for really bad CGI car crashes and fire, but also put all the budget into the practical FX gore later on. Good choice.
So in badly rendered fire, the cocky asshole driver dies, leaving his country western rock star looking rival to deal with that on his conscious, all while a young blonde race fan, who had apparently being working the shifters for both young rivals, watches in horror.
FAST FUCKING FORWARD.
17 years, to be exact. Toby Keith, I mean JJ is now a trailer driver for some other hot shot mid-size early ‘2000s model stock sedan racer, and he needs to deliver a car to a race. Funny thing though, he has to drive straight through his old stomping grounds, and wouldn't you know it, his truck breaks down.
PAINFUL MEMORIES ENGAGE.
He has to get it fixed at the local mechanic, who happens to be the old pit crew chief for Cutter, the dead rival. Turns out this dude rebuilt Cutter's car, to preserve the death sedan I guess. Well, in doing so Cutter's ghost now can drive once more.
The car goes off and waits for some dumb youths to try to steal it. Now, I'm no mechanic, but I was unaware race cars had:
A. A usable trunk. Like what?
B. A usable trunk that can eat you.
But clearly I'm not an aficionado of professional rental car races, so there you go. So one car thief gets eaten in half, and spit out by the trunk of the car, while the other has the seat belts tighten until he is crushed. Awesome kills, good FX, almost feels out of place honestly, by being so good.
This movie otherwise feels like Hallmark and a used car dealership made a film.
We get more drama about Garth Brooks, I mean JJ, losing his dream, and being haunted by Cutter, which, well, now he IS haunted by Cutter, but he don't know it all yet.
More bodies pile up as the car goes out killing once more. This time a cop gets knocked onto the windshield, and those handy razor-spiked wipers racers always use come into play. Honestly, a dude's face is ripped off by spiked windshield wipers. If you're not already trying to find this film you should just for that alone.
More drama as the blonde bombshell that George Jones, I mean JJ, lost to Cutter way back is all grown up, with a daughter. CUTTER'S DAUGHTER THOUGH OH THE AGONY AND IRONY. Poor Keith Urban, damn it, I mean JJ, is all messed up and can't get out of town.
Soon enough, we get the trio, daughter, mother, and Merle Haggard, shit, JJ, running from the possessed car. Eventually we find out Cutter wants one more race. TO THE DEATH.
JJ (finally got it) manages to trick the car into crashing into a terrible CGI lake, but the car comes back because that water wasn't even close to real. The possessed car chases the gang back to a junkyard, where a surprisingly amazing coordinated effort gets it into a car crusher, and crush the possession away. All is well now, as we find out Cutter's daughter is actually Kenny Chesney's, ah fucking hell, JJ's daughter.
This movie cost me $1.88. I would run this race all over again in a heartbeat.
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