Lousy Lottery 24: The Twisted Tail/Tale of Tammy and the T-Rex
Welcome, friends, to the Lousy Lottery! Here’s how it works. First, I post four movies to a poll on Twitter. Fans vote to pick which movie to make me watch that week. I watch it, review it and spread the word about an amazingly awful, terribly terrific b-horror flick.
This is week 24! We’re headed to the ‘90s with 1994’s Tammy and the T-Rex! Before we talk about this creature feature, let’s talk plot.
Boy, life comes at ya fast, doesn’t it? Tammy is just a simple, pretty cheerleader enjoying a regular practice, when hot football player Michael shows up. Side note, the title in the title sequence is Tanny and the Teenage Dinosaur. First off, terrible title, but secondly why didn’t they change the title after changing the name? Third, Tanny? Who spells it like that? Anyway, there’s a little flirting and, boom, she and Michael are suddenly officially a couple. When Michael walks outside, he runs into Tammy’s boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) who somehow knows about Tammy and Michael, despite that they literally just got together. He doesn’t care for this new development and confronts Michael. A fight ensues and comes to a stalemate of sorts when both fellas decide the best course of action is to twist their opponents dick. Neither will let go, neither will let up on twistin’ that dick. Authorities arrive and the boyfriend kicks Michael in the balls and Michael returns the favor. The cops are amazed Michael could just absorb a nut shot like that, but he lets them know he’s wearing a cup. Wait, how was the other dude twistin that d, then?
Okay, who cares, moving on. We, the viewer, then learn there’s a mad scientist in town who has a sort of gang with a weird, coldhearted assistant and a ‘nerd’ assistant who is a whiz with giant ‘80s computers. The doc’s two assistants are happy to show their new creation to their boss, a generic animatronic dinosaur like the one’s you’ve seen at traveling exhibits at the zoo and the like. The mad doctor loses his damn mind and is so head over heels in love with this dino that he wants to play Dr. Frankenstein and bring it to life. But, where will they find a brain.
They won’t have to wait long, as Michael decided to put that recently twisted dick to good use and pop by Tammy’s house. Problem is, Tammy’s boyfriend (ex boyfriend?) also shows up. Man, these are the most clueless, helpless parents I’ve ever seen. Conflict ensues and Michael runs for it. Too bad for him the asshole chasing him is doing so with a jeep. They quickly catch up and kill Michael. No one seems to think this is an arrest worthy offense, so despite everyone knowing what happened there is no mention whatsoever of any consequences. Michael clings to life in a hospital bed and somehow (maybe some kind of text alert system?) our mad scientist doc happens by the room. When he learns this healthy young man is about to die and that he’s an orphan with no real extended family, he pounces. Somehow, despite smoking a cigarette and not at all looking like a doctor, the hospital just lets him take the body, toss it in his Rolls Royce and off they go.
Fast forward and they’ve put the brain of Michael into the robot body of the dinosaur. To show how it works, the mad doc uses what looks like knitting needles to poke at Michael’s brain and make parts move. If you’re worried he isn’t going to go for potty humor by making Michael’s dick dance around, you needn’t worry. I’ll say that there are a lot of Paul Walker fans out there and this is your chance to finally see a mad scientist use his dong like a marionette and, frankly, I know that’s what many of you were hoping for. So, dubious science ensues and Michael, for some reason, is out for revenge.
It’s not odd that he’d want revenge against the guy who killed him, but it seems he really just enjoys killing and this whole dinosaur thing was the chance he’s been looking for. He kills his killer, yes, but then also squishes some random dudes hiding below a car, decapitates a number of teens and seems to have transitioned quite nicely into an animatronic slasher. Does Tammy, upon realizing the murderous dino is Michael, chastise him or try to get him to stop killing? God no. She’s just is happy to have her boyfriend back. I mean, what’s a cheerleader without a boyfriend? Sheesh. Will their love survive? Will the killing spree stop? Will they figure out how to get the old Michael back? You’ll just have to watch and find out! Trust me, though, you’ll want to see this ending. It’s, well, it’s truly something.
I once worked for a film studio that was owned and run by a director. The director put a lot of focus on promoting other directors and, as such, I learned a lot about what they do while working there. I was shocked, in fact, by what I learned. As film fans, many of us grow up believing that directors are people with vision, people who impart their wisdom to actors and crew alike while in production, they are the fountain of knowledge for everyone. That’s partially true, but a big part of what they do is just working out the logistics of how to make the movie. It’s incredibly rare that a director spends time talking about character motivations and story. They do, however, spend immense amounts of time scheduling shoots, coordinating hiring of various members of the cast and crew and working out spreadsheets of the logistics of shooting each scene. Why am I saying all this?
Well, I’m saying this because I think many film fans think anyone can be a director and that a passion for film is the only real requirement. This just isn’t true. It takes a very particular type of person who loves doing the minutia. With this film, Tammy, we have a guy, Stewart Raffill, who moved from England to the United States with dreams of being a big time director. He was an animal wrangler, though, who was good at what he did. He found huge success and ultimately ended up working for Disney, providing the animal work for many of those classic live-action Disney movies. Like many before him, he thought that a love for film and success meant it was time to become a director. So, he ends up leaving a successful career for which he was truly suited to sit in the director’s chair, first making the beloved but bombed The Ice Pirates, then Mac n Me and ultimately Tammy and the T-Rex.
I guess the short version is, don’t try to become a director unless you truly know what you’re doing. Making classic Disney films while doing what you know, what you love and what you’re good at is a great career. Directing Mac n Me and Mannequin 2 is not. Sometimes we simply want more and that lust for more can backfire. Movies like Tammy make it clear he isn’t suited for directing. The choices are bizarre, the character development makes no sense and the practical effects are laughable. Yes, I know, it was the ‘90s and technology was different back then. Sure, but let’s take a quick example to explore my point. Pulp Fiction was made by a younger guy with less experience in the film industry and with a smaller budget than Tammy. Tarantino also didn’t make Pulp Fiction through a studio, thus he didn’t have access to as much technology and equipment as Stewart Raffill did with Tammy. Stick to what you’re good at, kids, don’t be Icarus.
I don’t mean to shit on Tammy, though. There’s a reason it’s here. Yes, it’s lousy, but it’s also fun. I enjoyed every second of it and am shocked I haven’t seen it before. Yes, the premise is dumb as hell and a clear rip off of Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein. Yes, the acting is terrible and the dinosaur as scary as an ice sculpture. Still, it seemed to embrace its silliness and lean into the absurdity of it all. I mean, the premise is that a mad scientist is so in love with an animatronic dino that he puts a teen’s brain into it hoping it’ll come to life! It’s fantastic. Every character seems to be some sort of stereotype (the mad scientist, the drunk uncle, the jock) but it all plays like a Troma movie and encourages you to sit back and enjoy watching the characters get squished by an animatronic dinosaur. Plus, it’s full of people who would later be stars, which is fun. In the title sequence alone people kept appearing on screen and shocking me. Holy shit, is that Paul Walker?! Wait, is that Shawn Whalen?! Hold on, Denise Richards is in this?!
So, at the end of the day, is it a masterpiece? No, no it’s not. Is it yet another example of why and how certain people shouldn’t be directing? Yes, yes it is. Is it a fun, silly movie about a sentient animatronic who has a blast killing teens at will? Why, yes it is! If that description makes you roll your eyes, this movie isn’t for you. If, however, it makes you wanna grab a Mountain Dew, spark up a joint and enjoy the hell out of it, then you should definitely check it out today on Shudder. It won’t change your life, but you will get to see several decapitations, so have a blast!
Also, don’t forget to see what’s coming next in the Lousy Lottery. Make sure you tune into Twitter later today and vote for Lousy Lottery 25! My handle is @MrJosh79, look for it and don’t forget to vote!
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