HorrorBound 2020 March Madness, Sweet 16, Coronavirus canceled everything, Spring Break Horror Movie Watchlist Part 2: The End of the Beginning
Well, 2020 certainly started with a bang hasn’t it? We're coming up on the start of Spring and suddenly the world has been dragged into chaos with all the Coronavirus panic! Flights shut down, events cancelled, toilet paper out of stock and everyone gets a murderous look in their eyes whenever a coworker coughs. It’s madness! Don’t worry, the crew over here at Horror Bound has you all set for whatever happens with this global pandemic with our first annual...
HorrorBound 2020 March Madness, Sweet 16, Coronavirus canceled everything, Spring Break Horror Movie Watchlist
In this special event we will be giving you the 8 horror double features to watch while you're practicing “social distancing”. So grab your hand sanitizer, surgical mask and popcorn and enjoy these great, easily streamable films. This is part 2, if you have not already, make sure you check out part 1 HERE.
People are going crazy, but that’s nothing new…
“An idea is like a virus. Resilient. Highly contagious. And even the smallest seed of an idea can grow.” The only thing spreading faster than COVID-19 or as the cool kids call it, Coronavirus with lime, is the fear it has induced. There are videos on YouTube of parents spraying their children with bleach spray before sending them to school, all the toilet paper is gone from store shelves and Alex Jones of InfoWars is running low on his super iodine supplements and freeze dried food that doomsday preppers stock in their basements.
But is this behavior some sort of new invention that has been pushed by our digitally connected world of instant access to information? Let’s examine George A. Romero’s 1973 classic The Crazies and compare it against the Breck Eisner’s 2010 often underrated remake The Crazies.
In both movies there is total insanity and panic in the small town and randomly, townsfolk go crazy, murdering their neighbors. In the original, the government shows up and just makes things exponentially worse. Pause, check the remake. Yup, “the man” is still making shit worse by getting involved. Both films mirror the insanity that’s going on right now. The citizens just run around going crazy with hand sanitizer and elbow bumping their loved ones instead of hugging. Using up all the goddamn hot water in the bathroom washing their hands. The suggestion is to sing happy birthday, not hum the tune for in-a-gadda-da-vida you goddamn savages.
If we are using the best scientific evidence to determine if people are crazy, that is using two low budget horror movies called The Crazies as the control group to prove our hypothesis that the world is not drastically more crazy from 1970’s to modern times, then sound science shows that we are exactly as crazy as we were back then.
The only difference would be we are WAY more handsome. Timothy Oily-Elephant is a blueberry stud muffin if I’ve ever seen one.
The original is streaming on Amazon Prime, the remake is streaming on Tubi.
Breaking News: The United States bans travel to the European Union. Horror fans are unshocked.
What? Did you really think we were going to get through some list about horror movies during a global outbreak and not mention a zombie horror movie? Well, you're in luck because I am not mentioning A zombie horror movie, I am mentioning 2. So boo.
I’m not one to watch the news. I got these other things going on and I just can’t deal with the nonsense. It takes a pretty big news event to reach me and it usually does so in meme form. The most recent big piece of news that I was made aware of was that the big bad orange man announced that the United States was putting travel restrictions with the Europeans. Some people are shocked and appalled by such a drastic action, but horror fans know that Europe is where the scariest zombie comes from, the runner.
The 2018 French film The Night Eats the World includes those extra scary type of maniac running zombies. The film is centered around a dude who finds himself the only one alive during a zombie apocalypse who just kind of hangs out in his flat (European for apartment) and plays the drums for the zombies who try to climb up and eat him. Who knew that even though in their brain dead, decomposing states that they would still be moved by the rhythm.
The Night Eats the World is currently streaming on Amazon Prime.
Here’s the thing about this travel ban, it’s not effective. Here is my open letter to the 45th President of the United States of America.
Dr. Trump,
Donnie aka “The Big Orange Trump-a-saurus”, hear me out bubba. You banned ALL of Europe for 30 days EXCEPT the UK. Have you not watched 28 Days Later? I know you’re a busy guy with your peaches, and signing stuff, but I implore you to watch Danny Boyle’s 2002 classic that introduced the world to the running zombie. American Zombies are shuffling beasts that you could easily get away from. Some are interested in brains, but that’s only if they come in contact with Trioxin toxin. These British Zombies are WAY faster and WAY more dangerous. If you want to stop the dangerous spread, I highly suggest you consider banning travel from this area too, just to be safe.
Sincerely,
A concerned citizen.
28 Days Later is currently available for rent or purchase on your favorite streaming service.
Oh no, it’s not safe at home either.
So, the best wisdom we are getting from scientists and doctors is to practice social distancing and stay in the house. We also got a whole lot of people running around with masks on which should be a huge red flag for any horror fans out there. Seriously, the more dangerous place to be is in your own home when there are people with masks on.
Take the 2008 film The Strangers as an example. You have a couple, just hanging out in the safety of their own home and you get some strangers pop up with masks on ruining the whole thing. Now I’m not saying that people protecting themselves from coronavirus are creepy killers but what I am saying is that a pandemic like this might have us cautious about strangers. The absolute worst thing that could happen in this pandemic is that we are strained from our fellow man. That we see a stranger on the streets like a masked murderer from The Strangers. Don’t get near. Don’t touch. Don’t give me your cooties! This would be a disaster indeed.
The Strangers is currently streaming on Amazon Prime.
Now in the off chance that the masked folks standing outside your home at 4am are dangerous and not those trying to walk down the street to buy a gallon of milk, you need to be prepared to defend yourself. The couple in The Strangers were basically helpless, but the main character Erin in Adam Wingard’s 2011 home invasion film You’re Next was ready to eliminate the threat of violence.
If this coronavirus does go sideways on us and we have roaming bands of barbarians in the suburban wasteland going from subdivision to subdivision ransacking homes for toilet paper, you need to be prepared to protect your ass, and the stuff to wipe your ass. If horror movies have taught us anything it’s that the villains will NOT be armed with a gun, but you won't have one either. Things designed to be weapons like knives and bats also seem like a good idea but they don't have a good success rate. My suggestion, and I’m no self defense expert, would be to have makeshift weapons. A couple of long nails through a broom handle, a broken piece of glass in your back pocket, a series of elaborate traps all about the house that will burn and maim your intruders would be great. If through these attacks you could also tar and feather them or put a tarantula on their face, this would be a bonus of course.
You’re Next is currently streaming on Tubi.
We Need a Hero!
Sure we could learn self defense, we could wash our hands a billion million times every day, and we could wait around for our corrupt government to create some kind of funding bill to combat coronavirus in which they will sneak in funding for government black ops projects that will provide a surveillance grid to invade our privacy or some other type of program to restrict our freedoms. What we really need is a hero! We need someone who will stand up and fight against this! We need PAUL BETTANY!
This is 2020, the world is in chaos, we will take any savior we can get, even if that means Paul Bettany playing an archangel sent to save the world at a hole in the wall diner in 2010’s often panned horror film Legion. Now this movie gets a bad rap and I am uncertain why. It’s VERY 2000’s in its presentation. Clean and crisp like those movies tend to be and totally lacking on absolutely everything else. At least we have Paul Bettany and his soothing British accent to keep us calm as all hell breaks loose.
Legion is currently streaming on Netflix
If Paul Bettany is the thin, handsome, suave british arch-angel of a hero we need, Toxie is the hero we deserve.
Toxic Avenger is one of the most amazing stories in the history of cinema. An extreme low budget goof of a movie about Melvin who worked in the Tromaville gym, a 90 lb weakling who got pushed around. They dressed him in a pink tutu, beat him up and threw him down. He landed in a barrel of waste, of toxic waste that ate his face. Mutating, energized by Tromatons, a jersey hero to clean up the place!
TOXIC AVENGER!
Seriously, this throw away of a movie spawned an entire franchise of films, a kids TV show and gave mainstream attention to Troma films which brought us film legends like James Gunn, JJ Abrams, Matt Stone and Trey Parker. A truly legendary film that could have been easily dismissed as unwatchable trash cinema.
But Toxie means so much more today in this world ravaged by corona fears. Right now, we as a population are just like Melvin. We are weak and scared, pushed around and bullied by government agencies hiding the facts and media over sensationalizing a pandemic for their own greedy purposes. Just like Melvin we are humiliated by a society that instead of treating an outbreak as a serious matter that should unite us as a human race, instead has us split down invisible political party lines using a tragedy to uplift one 100 year old corrupt politician over the other 100 year old corrupt politician.
Just like Melvin, we are currently face down, covered in toxic waste, but just like Melvin we will emerge stronger. There are events like this that draw humanity closer and make us realize that life is finite. Whether it was the 2003 northeast power outage, World War or the tragic events of 9/11, these moments are the ones that remind us that life is fragile and should not be taken for granted. This is when we should lay down our differences about the minutiae of trivial disagreements and constant arguing on social media. Democrat, Republican, Christian, Atheist, Flat-Earther or Round Glober, we must all work in harmony at this moment for all of our survival. We must all pull our weight protecting ourselves from this sickness which will in turn protect others. Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, cough into your armpit and GOD BLESS THE TOXIC AVENGER
The Toxic Avenger is currently streaming on Amazon Prime
...And so is part 2
...And so is part 3
...And so is part 4, check 'em out now! And live everyday like the Toxic Avenger!
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