THE POST-APOCALYPSE SURVIVAL GUIDE ACCORDING TO TUBI
So times have been crazy. So crazy that people might have thought it was the end of the world. I wondered about that as well, and then thought it would be best to do as much research on how to survive in the post-apocalyptic world. So, the first thing I did was fire up Tubi and find all the research material I could. Instead of hoarding this information to myself, I have decided to impart it to all so they too may be ready the next time things get a bit hairy.
DEATHSPORT
4/5
David Carradine leads a groups of survivors in the post apocalyptic world. Using sweet glass, uh, plastic, uh, clear, yeah clear bladed swords and strobe light disintegrations rays, they fight the evil city men of Helix, including the always badass Richard Lynch. The city is hard on those they punish, including deadly wind chimes and, of course, the grueling motorcycle gauntlet known as Deathsport.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM DEATHSPORT:
Get one of those clear bladed swords and a strobe gun, just in case.
Death Machines are motorcycles that sound like passenger jets and gunshots all at once.
Avoid Deathsport, but it seems pretty easy to escape it with well timed explosions.
Do not get caught in the torture chimes.
Do not fuck with Richard Lynch.
Everything explodes and there are convenient ramps for motorcycles everywhere.
WHEELS OF FIRE
3/5
In a post-war wasteland, highway bandits known as the Scourge are being assholes about everything. A lone driver, Trace, takes on the Scourge after they kidnap his sister, Arlie. He befriends a desert renegade falconer lady named Stinger, and eventually saves a psychic girl named Spike. All three work together to try to save Arlie and stop the Scourge. They like halfway succeed with great losses suffered, but hey, Trace still has a sweet armored ride though.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM WHEELS OF FIRE:
Get an ‘80s muscle car and put spikes all over it.
There is only cars, gas, guns, and ammo after the world falls apart.
Practice double pipe combat in case you need to fight for your ride.
Sand gnomes exist and use quicksand to trap you so be careful.
Everything explodes.
Despite having a battle car, don't expect a lot of actual car combat.
EXTERMINATORS OF THE YEAR 3000
3/5
In the rugged wasteland of the year 3000, water is like gold. Then there are the Exterminators. No, not bug killers, but pretty shitty apocalypse cars with a little bit of armor and a back up cam. When a young boy with a bio-mechanical arm is searching for his father, he runs into a wasteland barbarian, and together they find water, lose it, but then it rains so I guess it’s all OK anyways. Except that boy’s dad is totally dead though.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM EXTERMINATORS OF THE YEAR 3000
People will have exotic names like Alien, Trash, Senator, Crazy Bull, and Tommy.
Cops will drive cars wearing motorcycle helmets and aviators that only have one lens like Burt Reynolds pirates.
Bandits will draw and quarter you with motorcycles even if you are a child.
Beer is the best anesthesia, but only if you drink a lot of it during surgery.
Mutants have the best water storage facilities, but also rig them to explode at a moment’s notice.
Most people are heavily dubbed and can sometimes be hard to follow.
WARLORDS OF THE 21ST CENTURY
3/5
A madman in a large Battletruck (alternate title) and his army of gasoline scavengers are just a bunch of real assholes. The madman's daughter flees from that nonsense, straight into the arms of a loner named Hunter, a desert vigilante on a sweet motorcycle. Hunter tries to relocate the young lady to a nice town, but those Battletruckers are right on their heels. They drive the truck through many buildings, and kill a lot of folks just cause they can. Eventually Hunter hatches a plan to just piss off the madman until he drives the truck off a cliff.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM WARLORDS OF THE 21ST CENTURY:
When they say "Warlords" they really mean "Warlord".
Sometimes your battle car ends up looking real shitty even after the montage.
Diesel fuel can be hidden in high tech secret bunker dispensers.
Hip-firing a rifle nonchalantly with one hand is the most accurate way to shoot.
Battletrucks slowly roll off cliffs despite being at max speed.
If you don't like someone, drive through their house.
DUNE WARRIORS
3/5
A woman seeks fighters to help protect her stubbornly pacifist village as a gang of marauders runs rampant. Unfortunately, she finds some sort of carnival motorcycle jousting troupe, but they agree to go along. They also attract the attention of David Carradine, which helps. The pacifist village is so resistant to the group helping them learn to fight that they just call in the duke of the wasteland, and oddly, he goes back on his word and attacks the village. Luckily David Carradine and the motorbike con men can defeat a large army of desert ruffians.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM DUNE WARRIORS:
This has nothing to do with Frank Herbert's Dune.
If you find David Carradine in the post-apocalypse, stay with him at all costs.
Motorcycle jousting is rigged, don't bet on it.
Pacifists can be stubborn assholes.
Most wasteland armies are just pomp and circumstance.
Everything explodes.
HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN
5/5
After the apocalypse, fertile men are a rare commodity. Also, there are mutated frog people. Roddy Piper is possible the most fertile man in the world, and a female fertility group nabs him, puts an explosive chastity belt on him, and have him help rescue a caravan of fertile women from the frogmen's city. Exotic frog dancers, witty banter, and a black market frogman in a white suit and a red fez fill up most of this film. Eventually Roddy Piper saves the day with a deft katana throw, and ends up with the promise of having to have sex with several women. Re-population is key.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN:
Be fertile.
Be very fertile.
Torture devices can deactivate explosive chastity belts.
Katanas can be thrown like darts.
Earrings are the tech savvy devices of the future.
So, after all of this research I think I can figure a few big pointers for everyone moving forward. All the films offer some great information, but this is the most common across all films:
Everything explodes.
David Carradine.
Be fertile.
Your car better have spikes on it somewhere.
Ammo is not hard to find.
Throw those katanas.
Well everyone, I hope that helps. As we move forward, let’s all make sure we heed some of the sage advice from these post-apocalyptic films that Tubi has to offer. And if nothing else, check out the films yourself to see what other little tidbits you can find to help out with your future endeavors.
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