Lousy Lottery 16 is Down to Clown
Welcome, friends, to the Lousy Lottery! Here’s how it works. First, I post four movies to a poll on Twitter. Fans vote to pick which movie to make me watch that week. I watch it, review it and spread the word about an amazingly awful, terribly terrific b-horror flick.
This is week 16! Your pick for this week sends me on a trip to 2019’s Clown Motel! This movie is truly unique, but before we get to all that, let’s have some of that sweet, sweet plot.
Seconds into this movie and I’m already a bit confused. There’s some sort of hillbilly Mafioso’s who owe someone money or are owed money, I’m not sure. Either way, they devise a plan to go steal some gold from a bunch of clowns who live at the nearby Clown Motel. Wait, do they live there? Do they just run the place? Are they some sort of commune or cult? Where do they get their food? How do they survive in the middle of the desert? I’m not sure, but one thing I do know is that they seem perfectly happy minding their own business dancing in the parking lot of a motel, doing their thing.
Along come the hillbilly bad guys who think the clowns have gold. They decide the easiest way to defeat a bunch of seemingly harmless and unarmed clowns is to burn them all alive inside the motel at night. Why? Why not just try stealing the gold that seems to just be in barrels in the parking lot? Why don’t any of the clowns try to escape or run away once the flames start? Again, no clue.
Flash forward (a day? a month? a decade?) and a group of dudes is filming a podcast about ghost hunting and looking for great locations. Simultaneously, a group of women are headed to Vegas for a bachelorette weekend. They both pass through a weird fog on the interstate. When they pass through that fog, they come out next to a Clown Motel. The gents see it as the great ghost hunting location it is and pull in. The women, however, just drive on by. The problem is they soon come upon the fog again and, when they pass through it, find themselves right back at the Clown Motel.
Frustrated and confused, they decide to pull in and ask for directions. When they do, the only people they find are the podcast guys. It seems no one works there and the guys had been waiting for someone to come to the front desk. After waiting for maybe five minutes, the fellas propose that they take a key and spend the night together in one of the rooms. The response goes something like this. “Are you kidding? We just met you.” “Don’t worry, we’re honorable men.” “Okay, let’s do it.” Um, okay?
So, the seven of them head to a room to, well, I don’t know, I guess, wait for someone to work there in the morning? Not sure. Either way, weird shit starts happening at night. One of the group is awake and sees a group of clowns outside the window doing some sort of nefarious interpretive dance. She seems super concerned at first and rightly so, but then just decides the one tiny bite she took hours early of a weed brownie is the source, nevermind that marijuana is not a hallucinogen, and all she needs is a shower. She finds one of the guys sleeping in the shower, so she fucks him, naturally.
In the morning they find the phrase ‘enjoy the show’ smeared in blood on the INSIDE of their window. Yet, they seem to think this is no biggie and just pack up to leave. They’re not going anywhere, though, as their tires are slashed, batteries missing and clowns show up to fuck them up. We finally get our first death. We also learn, sort of, a few things about the clowns. First, they seem to be coming from either a nearby mine, a nearby cave, a nearby graveyard or the motel itself. Okay, let’s just say, they’re locals. Second, we learn that they are some sort of spirits who need to trap and kill people because, well, I’m not sure, but, I think it frees them or maybe feeds them?
We also learn that barriers like windows and doors seem to totally baffle them. The clowns are wholly unable to do things like open doors or break windows. Yet, how did the blood get on the inside? For that matter, how come part of the finale involves the clowns suddenly showing up in a locked down room? Look, who cares. There’s a pretty brutal rape scene wherein one of the podcast guys gets raped by a giant pig clown guy. Outside of that, the remainder of the movie is largely the group going from one secure location after another only to leave those locations for silly reasons. How will they escape? How will they kill the clowns? I guess you’re just going to have to watch to find out.
Every year my family and I head to Nevada to visit family for Thanksgiving. On the way, we pass through a wee town called Tonopah, home to the infamous Clown Motel. No, not the fictional one from the movie, but the actual one that clearly served as the only shooting location for the movie. Now, in truth, the motel has been around for many years. Like many things in Nevada, one must find a way to stand out; so many hotels and motels are themed. From the famous examples on the Las Vegas strip to, well, the Clown Motel of Tonopah, there are many odd stops for tourists. The real Clown Motel is as forbidding as, say, Circus Circus in Vegas. It’s just kitch, with no actual ghosts or ghouls.
Still, it’s easy to see it as creepy. Just this last year my then seven-year-old said as we passed it, “someone should make a horror movie about that place.” I mention this because such an idea doesn’t require much more depth than, well, a kid’s bored musings. The other reason I mention it, is that this passing thought seems to be the sum of the filmmaker’s preparation for this movie. Someone should make a horror movie about that place. That’s it. It’s clear not much more thought was put into it.
The characters are one-dimensional. The writing is hackneyed. The actors have absolutely no chemistry with each other at all. Even the location is lackluster. Sure, the real Clown Motel has a creepy name and theme, but the rooms are just plain old motel rooms. Given the vast majority of the movie takes place in these rooms, clearly filmed on site, the setting is just a regular motel room. This would be totally fine if true skill and craft was applied to filming in them, but, frankly, that’s not the case here. Look at movies like The Room, Tape or Cabin in the Woods as examples of how much can be done with confined locations.
I love b-movies because they often have more enthusiasm than skill, but sometimes a little skill could sure go a long way. Take Paranormal Activity as an example of what I mean. The budget for that movie was pocket change. With solid talent behind the cheap production and genuine acting, it was a massive hit and truly resonated with and frightened people. I love low budget independent movies, but a love of movies and enthusiasm does not equal experience and skill. The writer/director, Joseph Kelly, should know this, as he has worked on major films like A Star is Born and Bumblebee.
You just can’t skimp on the essential elements of production. If you do, you get a film like Clown Motel. The characters are nothing but thinly veiled stereotypes like ‘the crazy one’ and ‘the nerdy one.’ The cinematography failed to utilize even basic techniques. The costumes look like the actors brought them from home. The acting is wooden and amateurish. I mean, not from everyone. Some of the cast does relatively well with the meager material they were given. Martin Klebba, most known for the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, was magnetic as Loco, one of the spirit clowns. There are also some fun cameos for horror fans. Ari Lehman played the young Jason in the first Friday the 13th and plays one of the main clowns here. Also, Tony Moran, who played The Shape in the original Halloween, plays Frank in this movie. These handful of good performances are the exception.
Okay, so, here’s the thing. Was this movie well made? No, it wasn’t. Is it surprising that it did not resonate with audiences? No, it’s not. It’s also frustrating to see a filmmaker squander some good ideas and good material, but such is the case with Clown Motel. Still, I must say, this movie did something it really shouldn’t have. It actually sucked me in and, once or twice, creeped me out. How? Some clown magic? Maybe. It’s a bit like putting all the wrong ingredients together in a cake pan and knowing that it’s just not going to work. Yet, somehow, when you pull it out of the oven, it’s a pretty decent cake.
It may be totally inexplicable, but I actually enjoyed this movie and had fun watching it. I can’t explain it. I can’t tell you how or why it happened, but it did. No element of production was done well in Clown Motel, yet it was spooky at times and an enjoyable watch. So, should you head over to Amazon Prime and give it whirl? Well, do you have some weed and good snacks? Your answer to that question will mirror your answer to the first one. If not, meh, maybe skip it, unless you’re just super into clowns. If you do, though, then, sure, you’ll have some fun, give it a go.
Also, don’t forget to see what’s coming next in the Lousy Lottery. Make sure you tune into Twitter later today and vote for Lousy Lottery 17! My handle is @MrJosh79, look for it and don’t forget to vote!
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