Welcome to Planet Motherfucker: The Music and Movies of White Zombie, Part 2
Welcome back to this special series where I’ll be covering the movies sampled and referenced by the greatest band in the world; White Zombie. In the first installment of the series we found out where the band got their name as well as the name of their first album. In this entry we explore the first track on the album Welcome to Planet Motherfucker/Psychoholic Slag.
The song opens with some weird ass noises and a bunch of moaning from a porn with a crazy drum beat and then, you hear it...
“Fuckin’ Kiss Me”
We have our first sample and it’s aggressive. It’s also from a porn and since we’ve already covered one softcore porn in Satanico Pandemonium and we will be covering one actual porn and one Hentai later in the series, I won’t go into details of True Confessions of Tori Welles, you perverts can if you want to.
Now after a bit of heavy guitar chugging we finally get to some singing. I’ve never actually known any of the lyrics to these songs, which is weird right? Twenty some odd years listening to this stuff and I have no idea what Rob Zombie says until I decide to write this article seems crazy right? No, it’s not! These aren’t lyrics, they don’t make any fuckin’ sense and it seems like Zombie is just saying random words that go with the music, like an extra instrument. Don’t believe me? Check out the lyrics to the first verse:
Woven in the surface a premonition of a land erupting
A sparkling occasion of a city crashdown overhead
Revolving in a whirlpool a drag-o-rama
Walking on the sidewalk so let me see ya
Howling through the keyhole, "God damn, swept away"
Yeah, okay, you make sense of that. “Howling through the keyhole, “God damn, swept away”” Excuse me, What?!? What exactly is swept away? Whatever is “Revolving in a whirlpool?” I would guess and I think it’s the “drag-o-rama” BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS A DRAG-O-RAMA? And what does any of this have to do with “a premonition of a land erupting”? Okay, maybe the chorus will have some clues…
She shouted—("Now let's move")
She love it—("Let's take the back door")
Get in away yeah!
So we get some more samples in the chorus, this time for a non-porn film with a porn sounding name Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! But we’re not getting into all that right now. I thought the chorus would help but I am even more confused. Get in away? Yeah? No Rob Zombie, No. This continues for another verse and chorus before we get to the bridge. Now the bridge starts out with another sample, this time from High School Confidential! But again, we’re not getting into that right now either. Patience, first let’s analyze some more batshit crazy lyrics, shall we?
Voodoo beat on the mind, the digs too deep to find
Something has got to give, man (psych-out)
Racketeer or star, you are just what you are
Don't play the misty, baby! (get you)
Into a river sky, electro nation cry, "I need another...Now"
When I typed this lyric section into Word I got a strange green squiggly underneath it and when I right clicked for suggestions all the little text window said was “Are you drunk bro?” No, I’m not drunk, but none of this makes any sense at all, except for “Dont Play the Misty, baby!” Which is a reference to the classic thriller starring Clint Eastwood Play Misty for Me.
It’s a brief mention of the film, but one has to assume that it was a big influence on Rob Zombie’s filmmaking. This film, the directorial debut of Clint Eastwood, follows a radio DJ who finds himself in a life or death situation and it’s all because of an obscure album. Now, it’s not a possessed Satanic witchcraft record like in Zombie’s 2012 masterpiece Lords of Salem, but you would have to be crazy to believe this is not somewhat of an homage.
And yes, I called Lords of Salem a masterpiece and why? It’s Rob Zombie’s best film hands down, full stop. But this isn’t an article to defend that movie or battle people who clearly have no taste, this is an article to talk about the genre of “Thriller”. (Editors Note: I will fight anyone who says Lords of Salem isn’t a masterpiece, DAVE GET MY FIGHTING TROUSERS)
Let’s be honest, Play Misty for Me is a horror movie. Disc jockey Dave is stalked by the mysterious Evelyn who calls the radio station requesting that Dave “Play Misty”. They hookup…and hookup again, but Evelyn gets crazy and starts stabbing people. She even busts out of a mental institute, tries to stab Dave in his sleep and takes his new girlfriend hostage and tries to murder Dave with a butcher knife. I dunno, sounds like a horror movie to me. So what if Evelyn isn't a hideous deformed booger monster possessed by a demon from hell, neither were anyone under the Ghostface mask in Scream, is that a thriller? Of course not! But why? Is it the fancy pants director? Is it the well known cast? The big budget? Perhaps horror is a dirty word. Perhaps “the man” doesn’t want to admit that a super popular high class movie like Play Misty for Me can also be a horror movie.
…oh yeah, if you’re thinking, “Gee Evelyn looks familiar” you’re right. That’s Jessica Walter aka Lucille Bluth.
After a few more verses and bizarre lyrics including one which talks about “Swamptime locomotion” we begin to fade into the second part of the song known as Psychoholic Slag. We are welcomed to this HEAVY portion of the song by a quote from the 1932 classic The Mummy.
“Do you have to open graves to find girls to fall in love with?”
Dude! The riff that follows that sample is so fucking heavy! Every time I watch that movie and the beautiful Zita Johann says that infamous line I hear this guitar riff in my head and immediately start headbanging.
The Mummy is a classic and that goes without saying, but when was the last time you watched it? Probably not recently enough to know THERE'S NO FUCKING MUMMY IN THE MOVIE. Sure, some fancy pants British dude digs up a mummy who has about 15 seconds of screen time as he steals an ancient scroll and shuffles away, but for 99% of the movie Boris Karloff does not play a mummy, instead he plays an Egyptian germ-o-phobe. You can tell he has a germ issue because he doesn’t like anyone touching him, “No shaking hands” he says specifically in the film.
This isn’t to say it’s a bad film, just that there is no Mummy. It’s often with horror movies that our generalization of what they are, aren’t what they are at all. Confusing? I know, but check this out...there are 11 Jason movies but only 2 take place at a summer camp. The slasher concept of hunting down promiscuous teens and keeping the virginal final girl kind of only exists in the original Halloween. The final girl on Friday the 13th was sleeping with a married man, Nancy from A Nightmare on Elm Street was dating Johnny Depp in a crop top which leaves only Laurie Strode as the virginal final girl. Much like these stereotypical aspects of horror films which aren’t really so typical, The Mummy doesn’t include a bandage wrapped monster shuffling around on screen.
As the song continues into the first verse of Psychoholic Slag, it has my absolute favorite sample on this whole album from George A Romero’s Classic Dawn of the Dead.
“Get up and kill!”
This is one of numerous samples from the film that exist on the album and this has to be one of Zombie’s favorites. Especially if you consider two things:
How he casts Ken Foree in every movie he makes.
How Rob Zombie looks like one of the bikers led by Tom Savini who wrecked the mall.
Rob Zombie's films took a lot of inspiration from Dawn of the Dead. Romero made this intense, highly symbolic horror film about the plight of modern consumerism which turns into an allegory of how money can’t buy you happiness but all Rob Zombie saw was a bunch of hillbilly bikers shooting everyone in the face and wrecking a mall and that’s basically the premise of two of the three Firefly family films.
Now, like the first half of this song, none of the lyrics make any sense. As a matter of fact, it gets worse.
Picnic in the homeland, like a Jesus superstar (Yeah!)
Kiss me deadly, baby (baby) yeah, I know who you are (Come on)
No small heaven, baby, I got the left hand of the keeper
Meet me in St. Louis, "God" a one-way ticket's cheaper, yeah!
Time-travel I'm walking (Walking) I got a white line zombie fever (fever) yeah!
Time bomb the hero (hero) yeah get down
Yeah...picnic in the homeland like a Jesus superstar...gotcha! The only thing that makes sense in this section are two movie references, and I am not going to bore you with a review of the 1944 Musical Meet me in St. Louis but I will turn you on to the absolutely insane 1955 Noir film KISS ME DEADLY.
This is a wild and intense film noir. It follows the story of a P.I. named Mike Hammer (of course) who runs into a mysterious hitchhiking woman (of course) late one night on a Los Angeles county road. The pair are soon captured and the woman is tortured and murdered and they push Hammer’s car off a cliff. Vowing revenge, Hammer smokes all the cigarettes and tracks down all the leads, kissing all the pretty ladies along the way.
The film plays out like a standard noir but with a weird sci-fi twist at the end. Hammer is a man’s man searching for clues while everyone around him either tries to kill him or have sex with him. Seriously, the strange hitchhiking woman, another woman named Friday that ensures us her name could be Tuesday, his secretary Velda, hell, even his mechanic is absolutely in love with him. Hammer eventually tracks down everyone who is trying to kill him and they have an uncontrolled radionuclide in a little box that, when opened, causes people to explode into flames. Seriously, one of the lady spies opens the box and it explodes into a ball of flames burning down the whole beach house where the climax of the film takes place, but not before an ominous warning…
“The head of the Medusa. That's what's in the box. And whoever looks on her will be changed, not into stone, but into brimstone and ashes”
Seems like a perfect line to sample but instead the song is filled with random dialogue from High School Confidential. Now I promised we would get into it but I was waiting for the appropriate time and that is now, at the end of the song. The outro samples a weird poem from that film. Let’s take a look at the excerpt used by Mr. Zombie, shall we?
Hula fast shorts, swing with a gassy chick
Turn on to a thousand joys, smile on what happened
Then check what's gonna happen, you'll miss what's happening
Turn your eyes inside and dig the vacuum
Tomorrow, drag
It’s clear now that the inspiration for Welcome to Planet Motherfucker/Psychoholic Slag is High School Confidential and this insane poem. The film itself is basically a 1950’s version of 21 Jump Street but it’s also anti-marijuana propaganda filled with insane dialogue that is all ‘50s slang.
The main target of the investigation is cool cat J.I. Coleridge played by John Drew Barrymore (yeah, Drew Barrymore’s dad) who is the leader of a small time gang The Wheelers and the Dealers. When J.I. Isn’t giving snappy, poetic explanations of the life and times of Christopher Columbus, he’s racing cars (Wheeler) and selling “sticks” of marijuana for 75 cents a piece (Dealer...get it?) Tony, who is later revealed to be police officer Mike Wilson eventually tracks down Mr.A and busts him daddy-o. The best part of all is that Joan promises to never smoke the reefers ever again. Aww how cute!
This movie is unique beyond unique. The entire script is wild 1950’s slang and the effects of marijuana are so insanely inaccurate that it’s hilarious. I have never seen a film like this in my entire life and I am glad that Rob Zombie introduced it to me and you know something? After watching High School Confidential I think I understand the meaning of this song.
Tomorrow is a drag.
Now I know I said I was going to talk about Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! And I will, in the next installment of this series Thunderkiss ‘65 where we will cover the two most well known songs from La Sexorcisto which includes two Russ Meyer films, a movie about horny space Sasquatches and an appearance from the legendary, Iggy Pop.
For a little taste of what High School Confidential is all about, check out the full beat poetry performance from Philippa Falon:
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