Empire of the Pissants: A Johnny Walker Ranger Story
Prologue
They are Usually Boring but not when Written by Me
For you idiots who didn’t get the title, it’s a spoof off the 1977 movie, Empire of the Ants. I get so sick of having to explain things to dumb people. Anyway, on with the story.
The year is now 666 JWR. For you nitwits who have been living under a rock, let me explain what happened
I died.
Yeah, I know it’s hard to believe but it happened. The demon apocalypse grew and grew. The earth was covered with possessed people and minions from hell. My team got knocked off one by one and it was just me and my brother, Cap, left…so I thought.
Long story short, he and I got overran. We got shitkicked and we both died.
So, how is my immortal ass alive again and writing this?
Dr. T. Herapist, who was a famous lab junky working on human regeneration and reanimation, got a hold of the body of yours truly. How did he do that? Glad you asked.
I met Dr. T. Herapist when I was in Bora Bora pissing out a demon outbreak. He was there on vacation sipping down ten-dollar margaritas and doing karaoke at the local bar. Me and the crew stopped by to wet our whistles, and when we did, all hell broke loose. I saved the good doctor and he let me in on some of his experiments.
He became an official member of my demon killing team, the Bruce Campbells. His official team name was Dr. Giggles. When I died, he was heartbroken.
But…
He was also a foreskin away to fulfilling his dream of reanimation.
Dr. T. Herapist gathered my dead body and froze it in carbonite (you damn well better believe it exists).
While the world went to shit, Dr. T. Herapist’s work went into obscurity. It was a good thing he had connections to Area 51. He was able to get my frozen body and his work there before he swam with the fishes.
I know this all sounds hopeful, but things grew worse, dumbasses. The demon outbreak got out of hand since the awesome Johnny Walker Ranger: Demon Slayer was dead (that’s me). The world was in such mourning they began to refer to the time after my death as JWR. No more AD. No more CE. History died and was reborn around my departure.
The years went on and more of humanity died off. The demons ruled and homo sapiens were scarce.
But here is where the story takes a turn.
God used the demons as a plague to wipe out humans because he was going to start over with something different.
Why?
There was a new threat coming. An alien race called the Piss Ants. These mean bastards where like something off a bad version of Starship Troopers. They were giant ants made of piss. This piss was contained in a clear exoskeleton. The pee was so potent and acidic, when the exoskeleton was pierced and the bladder juice leaked out, it could burn your skin.
Fast Forward to 660 JWR.
Jean Claude Van Damme was a cyborg and traveling through the Arizona desert. If you’re wondering, the movie he was in by the same name was sort of true. He stumbled upon the abandoned Area 51. He went inside and saw my popsicle body glowing behind the container they put me in. The anal drive was attached to the side of my coffin looking thing.
What’s an anal drive, you technologically impaired sonsabitches? An anal drive is a slender tube which holds information. It’s meant to be jammed up a cyborg’s ass so they can read all the data off it.
Why an anal drive on a cyborg?
Think about it, lame brain. The body of a warrior cyborg takes most of its damage on the outside or internally in the chest and stomach.
But the inner ass and colon? No one ever goes there. Well, unless they are gay cyborgs but we will save that for a different day.
Somehow, someway, the data about me got transferred on to one of these drives. Not sure how, but I think it was an angel, possibly Gabriel.
JCVD snatched the anal drive off my coffin. He studied it, dropped his pants, then rammed it up there like a Vaseline coated suppository. The information ran across his computer brain and flashed before his human-machine eyes.
It took the bastard six years of studying Dr. T. Herapist’s work, but he made the breakthrough and reanimated me.
What happened to all the demons?
Well, my angel buddy Gabriel and his heavenly crew had to come down and stomp mudholes in demon asses. I know this because he came to me later and told me.
The only people left alive on earth at this time were me and cyborg JCVD. The Piss Ants thought the planet was vacant and would make a great home for them.
Boy were they ever fucking wrong.
THIS IS THE END OF THE PROLOUGE AND WHERE THE STORY GOES INTO NITRO
666 JWR
“The lever to your left, lift it then push the buttons in this order: red, orange, yellow.” JCVD said in his French-American accent.
“Shut up, Van Dame. Why the hell did you have to make this thing so complicated!” I pulled the lever and punched whatever buttons I wanted.
“That’s Van Damme,” he said and held the wheel steady.
“I don’t give a shit if your name is Bruce Campbell, I will call you what I want.” I mashed away at more buttons.
“Stop that!” Van Dame swatted at my hand.
A blast shook the Ranger Mobile.
“You need to get the shields up! I am focusing on driving and not killing us,” Van Dame said.
“Well, if you wouldn’t have built this thing like a damn Mad Max Road Warrior car from the nineteen eighties AD, I would have.” I pushed a bunch of more stupid buttons. “I don’t get it. All the modern technology and you go back ages.”
Van Dame gave me a smirk. “That was my best decade.”
“Yeah,” I huffed. “So, you have been irrelevant almost as long as a DVD rewinder.”
Another explosion rocked the car.
“Shut up and push the damn buttons! Red! Orange! Yellow!” Van Dame took a hard left and kicked up sand.
We were circling around Piss Ant legs like a Snowspeeder around an AT-AT.
And the explosions?
The Piss Ants have explosive diarrhea…literally. When the poo comes out their bung hole, it explodes when it hits the ground. Thus, all the explosions Van Dame was trying to dodge.
“Fine, I’ll push the rainbow buttons,” I said and pressed away.
Van Dame slammed the brakes and put the car in reverse. “What do you mean, rainbow buttons,” He asked as he flung his arm over the seat then looked out the back window.
“For a cyborg,” I gave him my eyebrow raise,” you sure are a dumbass.”
Another explosion rocked the car and we flinched.
“Don’t you know the ROYGBIV thingy about the order of the colors in a rainbow,” I asked then pulled out my 44. Magnum and checked the cylinder. “You, know, red, orange, yellow?”
Van Dame slammed the car in drive and did a figure eight around a Piss Ant leg. “You are the only human left, and about to die,” he said. “And all you can talk about are the colors of the rainbow?”
“Meh,” I said. “Doesn’t matter. You’ll just reanimate me again. You know, like having a Game Genie for Nintendo and doing a code for infinite lives.” I cocked the hammer on my gun. “Johnny Ranger will just keep on coming back!” I rolled down my window.
“After the shit you’ve pulled today, I doubt it,” Van Dame said.
“Hey Van Dame.” I flipped him the bird. “Sit and spin your cyborg ass on this anal drive.” I grabbed onto the roof of the car, pulled myself up, and sat on the door. I took aim at a Piss Ant leg and fired away. I nailed the SOB with four rounds in the foot.
See, the thing about Piss Ants was you had to make them leak all this piss out of their exoskeleton to kill them. The piss was some sort of life force for them or gasoline making them run. The problem was their piss was acidic and if you bled them too fast you might not escape the deluge.
I slid back into the car like I was Luke Duke from The Dukes of Hazzard. “I always wanted to do that,” I said.
“Do what,” Van Dame asked.
“Nothing.” I waved him off. “I got four rounds into the foot. It will be leaking slowly.”
“Load back up and I will circle back around,” he said. “We will go for another foot.” Van Dame hit the brakes and did a 180.
My bullets fell to the floorboard. “Dammit, Van Dame, your driving sucks.” I gathered the ammo from the floor then had a thought. “Now, wait here just a minute.” I loaded a bullet into the cylinder then cut my eyes at him. “You’re a cyborg!”
“So,” he shrugged and hit the gas. The engine screamed.
“So?” I loaded another bullet, still staring at Van Dame’s dumb cyborg ass. “Don’t you have all these futuristic weapons installed on you? And where are all the laser guns? And besides, I know you have precise robot aim or whatever.”
Van Dame looked at me out of the corner of his eye. He smirked and said, “I’m not a Terminator.”
“Yeah, no shit. Now pull over and let me drive.” I finished loading my gun and whipped the cylinder shut.
“No,” he said.
Another explosion. This one almost flipped the Ranger Mobile.
“Yes, dammit! You’re gonna get us killed!” My gun flew from my hands and onto the dash.
“No.”
I eyed him up and down. “Anyone ever told you, you wear your pants too high. You look stupid.”
Van Dame didn’t miss a beat. “I need them high. Helps me roundhouse kick better.”
“Yeah, cause that is all you know how to do, you wanna be a Tekken character.” I snatched my gun from the dash, cocked the hammer, and held it to his head. “Listen here, circuits for brains. You stop this car, or I will splatter your cyborg head all over the Ranger Mobile.”
“This isn’t the Ranger Mobile,” Van Dame sighed.
“If you don’t want to relive Double Team or Street Fighter, I suggest you let me drive.” I gave my best Clint Eastwood voice.
Van Dame rolled his oculars. “Fine,” he said and put the car in park.
“You’re not as dumb as you look, high waters.” I released the hammer on my gun.
“You are as dumb as you look.” Van Dame took his hands off the wheel and unlocked the door.
This next scene was so epic in the action and explosions, it was like John Woo and Michael Bay had offspring.
Van Dame exited the Ranger Mobile. Shit from the Piss Ants dropped all around him. There were more explosions than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Sand and shit flew everywhere. It was like it was in slow motion, yet Van Dame walked calm and collected to the passenger’s side and opened the door.
“Go on. Get out,” he said and motioned with his head.
“What?”
More Piss Ant turd explosions.
“I ain’t going out there. It’s raining shit bombs,” I grabbed the door to pull it closed.
Van Dame resisted. Damn strong bastard cyborgs.
He stared down at me. “Out,” he said and gestured with his thumb over his shoulder. “You wanted to drive. So now, you drive.”
“Fine,” I snarled and got out of the car. “Why couldn’t I get a Universal Soldier version of Van Dame?” I lifted my head to heaven. The Piss Ants were stomping all around but that didn’t stop me from praying. “Why, God? Why did I get stuck with Cyborg Van Dame and not Universal Soldier Van Dame? It was Gabriel, wasn’t it? He did this because he hates me. You know, it’s his fault I died in the first place, that Christopher Walken Prophecy movie wanna be!”
“Are you done acting like a little bitch?” Van Dame said.
I lowered my head and glared at him, then flipped him off. “Didn’t I tell you once before to sit and spin on this anal drive?”
“Go man the wheel. Let me handle the Piss Ants.” Van Dame sat down in the passenger seat.
I walked around the front of the car and gazed down at the sand. “Son of a motherless goat.” Piss Ant piss was slithering like water snakes through the sand down to the Ranger Mobile. I shot at the piss.
“You moron,” Van Dame yelled at me. “That won’t do any good. The sand will absorb it, just get your dumb ass in the car and drive.”
I lifted my gun and pointed it at Van Dame.
“No one tells me what to do. Especially a cyborg from a suck ass 1980s AD movie.” I stuck the gun in my waist band and stared down at the piss. It was starting to absorb into the sand. “Now, I think I should get in the car and drive.” I got in the car and peeled out and drove away.
A Piss Ant foot slammed down about twenty yards in front of me. “Shit,” I yelled then slammed on the brake and cut hard. The car slid in the sand and the passenger side bumped into the foot.
The ant gazed down at us and started chomping its mandible things.
“Come on, Van Dame, you better do something.” I stomped on the gas.
The tires spun, gained traction, and the car jolted forward.
“Watch this,” Van Dame said.
He climbed out the window as wind and sand blew against his face. He stood on top of the car.
I rolled down my window and yelled, “What are you doing?”
“Get me under the gut. The Piss Ants are weak in the gut,” Van Dame said.
“Dammit, cyborg, this isn’t Bloodsport and those things aren’t Chong Li.” My head was halfway out the window now.
“What are you talking about,” Van Dame yelled back.
I rolled my eyes. “Dammit, don’t you even remember the lines from your own movie. In Bloodsport you said, ‘Chong Li is weak in the gut.’”
“No I didn’t,” he yelled back.
“The hell you didn’t!”
“No, that was Bloodsport Van Damme. I am Cyborg Van Damme.” He jumped around on the roof.
“I can’t take this stupid shit no more.” I ducked my head back in and drove Dumbass under the gut of the Piss Ant.
“Hold it steady and put the car in park,” Dumbass yelled.
“Okay, stupid. Whatever.” I put the car in park then stuck my head out the window again to see what Dumbass was going to do.
“When I yell ‘go’, you slam on the gas. Got it?”
“Yeah, I got it,” I snarled at him.
What happened next was the weirdest thing I had ever seen.
Van Dame did his signature split on the roof of the car. He raised his arms in a V over his head and interlocked his fingers. A thick, three-foot blade like a sword emerged from his hands. Then, some sort of telescopic thing blasted out his ass and thrusted him upwards.
“What in the ass is that,” I said and ducked back in the car, waiting for his signal.
I watched through the windshield, and when he was about ten feet from the Piss Ant’s gut, he yelled, “Hit the gas!”
I slammed my foot on the accelerator.
The telescopic ass elevator lifted Van Dame higher.
The car went forward, and Van Dame’s blade pierced the clear exoskeleton. He put a big, gaping wound in the gut of the ant.
“What are you doing, Dumbass! The piss is gonna overrun us!” I had the pedal to the metal.
The ass elevator lowered Van Dame back down onto the roof of the car. He ducked his head into my window.
“Shit,” I flinched.
“The sand,” he said.
“What about the sand?”
“The sand will soak up the piss and slow it down. We will be fine. Now, on to the next one.” Van Dame removed his head from my window and resumed his split position.
And I’ll be Van Dammed. The cyborg was right. We drove for hours, cutting open Piss Ants and the sand absorbed the pee and we were able to escape unharmed.
This is The End of My Story
We killed Piss Ants for hours and hours. When we were finished, we drove back to Area 51. We exited the Ranger Mobile then headed to the lab.
“I have a surprise for you, Johnny,” Van Dame said as we walked down the hall.
I pushed the button to open the door to the lab. “What, you really know how do to more than a roundhouse kick?”
Van Dame rolled his eyes. “No. It is better than that.”
We walked through the door and into the room. “Follow me,” Van Dame said.
We walked to the place where I had been frozen in carbonite.
“This is not a surprise. I am well aware of how I came back to life,” I folded my arms
“Shut up and just wait.” Van Dame walked over to my coffin and opened the lid.
“I know, I’m not there anymore. I’m right here.” I held my arms out.
Van Dame did a round kick and busted through the inside.
“What the hell are you doing,” I asked.
He reached his hands into the hole he made and began to rip pieces off. “Come look.”
I moseyed over to him with my eyes narrowed. I wasn’t sure what shit he was trying to pull.
“Look in the hole I made.” Van Dame stepped back.
I eased over to my former cocoon and gazed into the hole. I stumbled backwards at what I saw. “Holy shit, no! It can’t be!” Tears welled in my eyes. “It can’t be!” I started to try and rip pieces off, but I wasn’t strong enough because I am not a damn cyborg. I glared at Van Dame. “Help me, dammit!”
Van Dame stepped over and with ease, ripped the coffin apart.
I stood staring at her and my heart was filled with a million different emotions. “My Sam. My love. The one who was just as big as an asshole as me.” I wept.
Van Dame placed a hand on my shoulder. “Doctor T. Herapist froze her body as well. I didn’t want to reanimate her until I was sure we were on the road to victory against the Piss Ants. She was frozen with you, my friend, right under you.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes. “I don’t understand?”
Van Dame gave me an eyebrow raise. “Really? You are a dumb redneck, you know that? Herapist knew humanity would be wiped out and would have to start over. He knew there needed to be male and female to procreate.”
“Duh, everyone knows that,” I said.
“And he also knew the future progenitors of the new human race would have to be tough. So, he not only froze you in carbonite, but also your wife, Sam.”
I stared at Sam. She was a beautiful as ever, even with frost all over her. Her long, blonde hair cascaded over her shoulder and her gorgeous body remained intact.
I looked over my shoulder at Van Dame. “Well, what are we waiting for, let’s reanimate her.”
“Sure,” he said. “Fetch me her anal drive,” Van Dame held out his hand.
The anal drive was resting on Sam’s stomach. I reached in, grabbed it, then gave it Van Dame.
He dropped his pants and inserted the drive.
“Welp,” I said. “Guess that is one way to get you to not wear your pants so high.”
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