Lousy Lottery #2 - Class of Nuke ‘em High
Welcome, friends, to the Lousy Lottery! Here’s how it works. First, I post four movies to a poll on Twitter. Fans vote to pick which movie to make me watch that week. I watch it, review it and spread the word about an amazingly awful, terribly terrific b-horror flick.
This is week two! This week’s wonder is 1986’s sci-fi schlockfest, Class of Nuke ‘em High!
Take equal parts low budget production, cold war paranoia, morality tales on greed and environmental impact, lasers, gratuitous nudity and violence, mash it all together and what have you got? Well, you have an absolute mess and a total blast.
Most b-movie fans know of Troma, so I’ll spare you a lengthy backstory. Suffice it to say the creators of the production house Troma were hoping to capture the independent spirit of Roger Corman (Dementia 13, The Raven) and Russ Meyer (Faster Pussy Cat, Kill Kill!). They created a genre movie making studio that essentially told up and coming filmmakers, “hey, we have money and some tools, wanna make a movie?” Troma did not place much priority on quality or high art, but, rather, on the infectious zeal fans have for making movies. What landed you a contract with Troma was a love of producing pictures, not credentials or skill. This approach lead to many clunkers, but also launched the careers of some artists who would go on to be greats. Just like how Corman and Meyers launched careers of people like James Cameron (Titanic, Aliens) and Martin Scorcese (Casino, Raging Bull), Troma gave first jobs to the likes of JJ Abrams (Super 8, Star Trek), James Gunn (Guardians of the Galaxy) and many more. Class of Nuke ‘em High fits right into this mold of putting enthusiasm before ability. They truly took a ‘sure, why not’ approach. As the New York Times said in their review of this movie, Troma’s specialty is “satiric comic-horror films of stomach-turning grossness and exhilarating tackiness.” Sounds about right.
Is the acting great? No. Are there tons of shooting and continuity problems? Sure. Is the wig and makeup work on par with a high school play’s production? That’s fair. Is it a totally bodacious blast? Damn straight. Is it full of that stomach-turning grossness and exhilarating tackiness? Yep!
Our journey begins at Tromaville High School in scenic New Jersey, with the Hudson and the World Trade Towers in the background of nearly every wide shot. The school isn’t just by the Hudson, which in the ‘80s would have been like its own toxic site, it’s also by a nuclear power plant toxic waste site. There’s a leak of this sludge and it gets into the water system of the school, leading to some totally gnarly student deaths. It also begins to mutate the minds of the students, turning the honor students into a gang called The Cretins. It’s not all serious, though, as some of these cretins figure out how to use this radioactive water to make some radioactive joints, baby!
These toxic joints have their own side effects from mutated babies to nightmares to uncontrollable horniness. Outside of the sexy time, these tainted joints are just a total bummer too. All their bikini beach parties and sex romps are ruined and The Cretins are just sick of it! They decide to occupy the school and hold the principle hostage until the greedy bastards behind it all do something about it. Will they succeed? Will they survive? Well, I can’t spoil everything for you, can I?
This movie is quintessential Troma. It has that very dated ‘80s feel, the gooey toxic gore and a very low budget. A budget so low that there is no full shot of the monsters because the costumes weren’t finished in time. It was written, produced, directed and distributed by two of Troma’s founders. It also stars literally not a single person you’ve heard of. In other words, it’s Troma in a nutshell.
That said, it is also one of the more traditionally structured Troma flicks. Beyond the shocking fact that there is one at all, the storyline follows a pretty standard arch. There are clear protagonists and antagonists, a clear journey to the story and actual character development. I mean, not much, but there is some. Several of the performances feel pretty natural too and the two goofball characters (you will know who I mean) are totally loveable and hilarious. In other words, Nuke ‘em High actually has effective performances and it’s great.
The kills are pretty great too. The nightmare sequence especially is fantastic. The practical effects work and are genuinely unsettling. That sequence also highlights what works in the picture, in that it blends the gory with the funny. The basics are that these two horny young people smoked the tainted joint and in their nightmares are seeing things growing and pulsating in their bodies. Different spots rise and fall in hideous ways, as monstrous parts protrude from bellybuttons and nipples. That’s the gory part. The funny part comes when the guy’s penis starts to bulge in big ways and he smiles about it, as if to say ‘hey, this isn’t so bad after all.’ His expression of pride turns to horror when the bulge vanishes and reappears in his pecs. A giant dong? Yes, please. Giant breasts? Uh, not so much. Everything’s a gag, even the gooey, gory bits.
Considering the insanely low budget and the total lack of an adequate team, the final product of this movie is surprisingly good. Nearly no one involved had any experience making a movie and at times it shows. For example, what’s with the random caveman kid who carries a bone and just grunts the whole time? In fact, across the board the makeup and styling decisions are mostly misses. Overall, though, the movie actually works well as a creature feature and an all-around ‘80s-tastic romp. Its kills are brutal, its characters are ridiculous and the whole experience is a total blast. Hell, it even spawned several sequels!
You can find Class of Nuke ‘em High streaming on Amazon Prime. Give it a go. You’ll be disappointed in the best possible ways. This movie is truly one of a kind.
Make sure you tune into Twitter later today and vote for Lousy Lottery 3! My handle is @MrJosh79, look for it and don’t forget to vote!
Don’t want to miss anything on the site? Sign up for our newsletter HERE
Want more special series? Just search below:
